Useless Column: The wrong receipt

When you are watching an athletics tournament on TV and you see the camera zoom in on a fat person, I hope you don’t see such a person as the one going to do the high jump or pole vault; he is probably the one going to do the shotput! Don’t waste your time guessing!

Yeeeyi, this my mouth er; I didn’t want to say it oo but before I knew it, I have said it la, ah! Ei talk of pole vault reminds me of my early days of ‘irresponsible’ life. Irresponsible in the sense that by then I was not the one paying for things for the house. Corn dough finish, groundnut paste finish, school fees arrears were none of my business!

In doing the pole vault, I would jump and instead of me releasing the pole so I would go and land on the improvised cushion made of sand, I would hold tight to the pole and it would bring me back to hit the hard ground with. Kpish! I would cry small but would go back again la. That is the reason sometimes you have to let go in order to gain! Have you noticed that any football team that is in the lead and decides to play defensive loses in the long run? Don’t hold on too tightly la; let go sometimes; that’s when you really gain! You sabi the thing I dey talk nau, Ogah!

But COVID is still not letting go o. hmmm! After all the wahala that it has presented us with. Have you gone for your vaccine? Please do o. After taking mine this week, I never experienced any side effects till now. Am I not lucky! But I still wear the mask o, yooo!

Ahaaan, I’d wanted to tell you that these super market Salesgirls need to be sharp o. Some of them don’t know how to separate items on the electronically generated receipts and one of them nearly put me into big trouble 4 days ago. I went to buy a couple of items in a filling station super-mart. Talk of ‘mart’ in this supermart, how long is the word ‘market’ that it needs to be shortened to ‘mart’. Obroni go finish us with little little unnecessary things. Ah! Maybe that is the reason they shortened the name ‘Mawuli’ to ‘Eli’ in the Bible oo, hahahahaha!

So I used my ATM card to pay via their POS device and Madam Sales girl gave me a receipt. Hmmm! This receipt? Unknown to me, this Salesgirl put all the items together on the receipt including the ‘down below mask’ that we have been using to do ‘bad away from home’ things. Please don’t ask me what that mask is yet o; though you have already started imagining! Let me give you a clue; it is that ‘mask’ that protects you and your eyi from contracting HIV and any unwanted baby.

The list of items bought included millo, kin soap, shot-bread, tall bread, plantain chips, 5kg rice, Mido, Sandine and to crown it all, Kish Condom, 2 packs! Of course, I took the last item out and hid it under my car spare tyre compartment and screwed the spare tyre so tight on it and covered it with black polythene bag just to avoid being caught because my wife uses that car sometimes and she knows how to change flat tyres. I don’t want problem!

But I was not wise or rather smart! I didn’t check the receipt and left it on the items like that and sent them home to my wife. OMG! She took her time, saw the receipt, went through it one item after another. Unfortunately for me, one item listed on the receipt was a ‘danger’ good but could not be traced in the polythene bag containing all the items. It was the Kish Condom! Two parks! She asked whether I actually bought this item. I said Me? NO at first and lied that the girl who served me might have given me someone else’s receipt. She believed me la! I escaped unhurt! If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer la! Hehehe! I’ve won!

I am sure I told you before how I’d wanted to go into movie acting some years back. My Sister, my Brother, acting is not an easy going area o. kai! Until I went into it, I never knew that what we see on the TV screens is just about 5% of the actual work that goes into TV and movie productions. Ei! “Sound ready”, “Roll cameras” “Action”, “Cut”! “Close shot, down below, under below and try again”. “Wipe (dab) the sweat on your face and let the make-up artiste do the wiping! Ei! Hmmm!

The location was Yahweh Temple, East Legon. That’s where the aircraft usually pass and lowly when about to land at Kotoka. I was given some role to play called ‘Asikyi’ and to act alongside Foster Romanos, that Intelligent Comic Reliever. In one of the scenes, he was supposed to slap me as part of the ‘useless’ action movie! When he slapped, an aeroplane would fly past and the Film Director would say ‘Cut, take it again because the sound was distorted by the sound from the aircraft’. Wow! He would slap me again after the command “Roll camera, action’ and then plane would pass again and then ‘Cut, take it again because the sound was distorted by the sound from the aircraft’.

Ah! To tease me further, this ‘boy’ Foster would come and look into my swollen face and ask, ‘Asikyi Mawuli’, wosop?’ It was as if I should just look for something and hit his face with but I was guided by the country’s laws on assault but is the slapping not assault enough for movie director and Foster himself to be prosecuted? Massa, Foster’s palms were as rough as sand-paper and when he was about to throw his hands, I’d squeeze my face in readiness to receive it kpaaaaa! As fate would have it anytime, it was not our turn for me to be slapped, no aircraft flies past. Ei! These my hometown people again.

From morning till like 4pm, this guy kept slapping me and we kept re-doing it till one of my eyes started closing from the swelling. I was waiting for my turn to slap too but when it was 6.45pm and it was my turn to slap him too, the lights went off. Director said, we should close and continue the next day and that the slap Foster slapped kraaa nu, the video recording was not clear. ‘Ern? I see!’, I said to myself quietly! I nodded my head knowing that deep in my mind, that was the end of my career in acting because I was not going to play any ‘useless’ role called ‘Asikyi’ again. Kai! End of acting career o.

What is my offence! I gave up. The following morning, Director called and called and called. I refused to pick the calls because I was using some hot water to nurse my face. As if to make mockery of me, Foster also called and I cut the call and switched my phone off! Acting? My respect to every professional actor / actress! It’s no joke at all! Herh!

This God er, hmmm! He knew that one day one day, man and woman would manufacture cars which would need crude oil to power them and He went to hide crude oil under the sea and it came to pass that one of the world’s most important commodities today is crude oil!

Remember God shares His glory with no man, therefore be careful how you want people to thank you for the good you have done for them. Humble yourself and don’t boast about anything you have done for anybody. One of the reasons I fear who tell you that: ‘Look, Mawuli, let me tell you in confidence that I was the one who paid that guy’s exams fees otherwise he wouldn’t have made it and now he thinks he is somebody’! Fear such people when they want to do you a favour!

I am still scared of COVID but some people don’t seem to care la. I saw one disgusting thing of a girl wearing mask. She was selling on the streets; in the hot sun after a heavy downpour, she was sweating profusely. The next thing I could see, she yanked the face mask off her face to clean the sweat and then she put it back! Aish! It is as if she was doing someone else a favour o. I just don’t understand some of us la!

To start with, do we even need receipts on the purchase of condoms? To account to who? Thank God I have succeeded in creating confusion on your mind, Kofi, for reading this ‘useless’, uncoordinated chaka chaka abstract written in no particular order o! Hahaaa!

Ladies and gentlemen, get vaccinated and still continue to wear your face mask properly always!

Mapon!