Useless Column: 'Weytin do Akosua?'

Did you know that a single fin whale releases 250 gallons of urine into the sea every single day? If you didn’t know, please, you too urinate and let’s measure and see something. I recently visited an African country. It is a Francophone country. As soon as the police saw me, I heard them saying, “This man is from Ghana; they urinate everywhere!” Jesus! Oh! The way I felt bad, eh. Not a good way to brand ourselves, but is it not true? Ah! I am here arguing with myself. Hmmm!

Thank God another weekend is here again and we, at the ‘Useless Column’, are smiling it off before frowned faces kill us. Frowned faces have never solved any problem; they only worsen problems! Here, nothing is in any particular order. Basaaaaa… chakaaaaa… hahahaha!

So, the crescendo made the build-up exciting and full of fun. The climax got it to the peak and then it frowns, bowing ‘its head in shame’, awaiting consequences – this may be positive or negative. In the walls of a medical facility, negative is good news, while positive can only be good news if it is a pregnancy test. No bi so? Na sooooo… hahahaha! But I am sad and really confused.

But before I go on, I am a conservative consumer of many things, including fuel. Is fuel in the category of ‘consumables’? Just ‘axing’ to be sure. No vex me.

Ah! I recently decided to buy fuel somewhere and see the difference. It was a journey from Akatsi to Accra. I decided to fill my tank at Sogakope, and the nearest filling station was STAR OIL. I gave it a try.

The long and short of this non-fa is that, since July 25, 2026, I have been buying my fuel from STAR OIL – a real value for money. I am impressed!

All my ten cars, including my two V8s and two Toyota Vitzes. I am rich! Ajeeeeeiiiii! So you believe I have ten cars? Hahaa!

This is the problem I create for myself, and when some people start giving me pressure for momo, I start complaining and refusing to pick their calls. I don’t have anything, yet I am always bragging about nothing. What is this! Let me delete these lies from this ‘useless article’. They say, ‘Let the weak say I am strong.’ It’s in the Bible. You naaa, you know you are weak, but just say you are strong.

Anyway, my latest problem is new. I am trying not to think about it, but the moment I stop to think about it, the more I think about it.

I am to attend her funeral this weekend, but I am sad, not because she’s passed, but… heyi, hmmm!

The last time I met her was two years ago at a wedding outside Accra. When I asked what had happened to her, I was told she had not been feeling well for some time.

The one who broke the news to me was not professional at all; he was so graphical in his konkonsa that I started becoming super worried.

He said Akosua started growing lean and had rashes all over her body. This part nearly made me faint. Then I asked what the doctors said was the cause.

He said that information was not available, but he recalled that Akosua had been visiting the Fevers Unit before her demise.

I screamed in my head and heart: “Jesus! Jesus!! Jesus!!!”

You see how we abuse the name ‘Jesus’ and, more so, His blood! “Blood of Jesus, consume them.” Consume who? I wonder if there is any blood left for us to solve more serious problems. We abuse things too much.

The slightest thing, we would scream ‘Jesus’, especially when we are about to commit a crime or have finished committing one. We scream Jesus. Anyway, He has forgiven us.

So I proceeded to ask what the other symptoms were, and my konkonsa friend mentioned that “when the thing started, Akosua started experiencing fever after some flu-like symptoms.”

It was in an air-conditioned restaurant where I was holding a child beer, but drinking it felt hot in my throat.

He also mentioned that, according to the medical doctors, not everyone would have the same symptoms, as it depends on the person and what stage of the disease they are in. He believed that Akosua’s condition was spiritual.

I took comfort in that; after all, spiritual problems are not sexually transmitted.

You see why I said problem no dey finish? Because as I was happy that Akosua had joined her ancestors as a result of a certain spirit, at the same time, I was worried that it was linked to the symptoms of a certain disease.

“What did you mean by the ‘disease’?” I queried quickly in my head, but this guy would not stop his death-sentence narrative.

As if he was sent by the devil to come and torture my life with life-threatening news, he went ahead to suggest that some of the signs and symptoms of the disease are rashes, night sweats, fever, chills, muscle aches, sore throat, fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, mouth ulcers and plenty of other things.

This guy must have been sent to come and finish me before my time.

I thought he would leave it at that point when he said Akosua might have passed on as a result of a spirit. He was now giving me ideas about what I might have contracted too, possibly.

Moments after listening to him, I suddenly started experiencing some of the symptoms, including heavy sweating and diarrhoea.

Alla!

Akosua journeys on to her ancestors tomorrow. Memories of what happened two years ago started playing in my mind, all because of ‘what if?’

Men would often say, ‘Life is short’, but when the fear of that deadly virus hits us, we begin to see things spinning around almost immediately, with so many things running through our minds.

It was only a night of, “My dear, come and lie on my laps since you are scared of mosquitoes.” It was at a wedding we attended together outside Accra.

It was drizzling, and Akosua and I decided to go to a movie house to watch movies while we waited for the wedding bus to pick us up later in the evening.

In fact, the movies ended up watching us.

Who watches movies at movie houses? Please, give me way; let me pass, eh.

I made her sit on my laps, and my 5th limb got provoked, and we ended up doing the ‘needful’. She didn’t want it, but that was not my problem; it was her problem, which I solved anyway.

It was nice and short. Within one and a half minutes, we were done, with no protection.

I wore my useless boxer shorts and started thinking: ‘What if she gets pregnant or any other thing?’

As for pregnancy, that’s not much of a problem. I can hide her and the baby from my wife, but what if it is that virus?

Here comes the screaming of His name again for the wrong reasons: ‘Jesus’!

Thankfully, it was not about pregnancy but ‘Bra Panyin Danger virus’.

The name sounds nice – virus. I don’t know why the deadliest diseases have the nicest names.

Osteoporosis, diabetes, arthritis, pneumonia, meningitis, hypertension, apoplexy and angina. This one sounds like something sweet that must not be eaten with the mouth, though some of us use our mouths and heads to enter when we want to… hahaha.

Now I have to live with the fear.

I am still afraid to go and do the test to confirm.

To confirm exactly what?

What if?

Ei!

See you next week, and remember: sweet things are dangerous. The sweeter, the more dangerous, as ‘sin fascinates and assassinates’!