Useless column: Mother-in-law pyjamas

‘The most envious friend turns out to be the most dangerous enemy’. This is a WhatsApp status I saw on someone’s status! I am not too sure how true it is but just in case you think the same way you think about people positively is the same way they think about you.

The day in your marriage, when you start contemplating to quit is the day you have really qualified to be called a married person! You’ve never regretted getting married to your partner er? I guess you don’t like telling yourself the truth. You are probably yet to get married because that is the only way to build resistance before you take off. I dey lie, Sowavi?

The whiteman who keeps telling us the ‘Lion is the King of the jungle should revise his notes o. Our eyes as African have now opened to the fact that lions don’t thrive in jungles but in grass savannah areas. Have you not watched it in ‘Nat Jeo Wild’ before? We believe the whiteman too much and sometimes find it difficult to add one plus one to get two.

The situation has even been worsened with the proliferation of motivational speakers in our own part of the world.

Hope you’ve seen that video where the so-called motivational speaker lied to everyone including himself that monkeys can never climb banana trees and got the applause. Ei Bra Kumi! Hmmm!

Good evening, afternoon and good evening, all single ladies. You gals rock! Some of you give us problem and it is something we are prepared for but we also often get shocked when it comes to pass. But I want to advise Efey, a friend I just met at the GAJ Awards last month and want as a ‘special friend’ so I can be ‘praying’ for her. I want to be a special pastor.

Yes. My advice to you Efey is that, please never ask of rent because I know you live in your father’s house. Don’t do what Sophie did to me last year. I gave her money for her university hostel rent and said it was her landlord who insisted that she paid rent whether schools were off due to COVID-19.

She paid online rent. That money did not go to any landlord biaaa. If you make the mistake of going in for one who is already in a rented apartment, trust me, by some miracle, that rent will certainly be due for renewal next week!

Efey, to tell you the truth, no man is happy when you start talking about rent. Before I met you, weren’t you paying rent? What is my offence for you to transfer that responsibility to me? If you want to know we, men can be more complicated and annoying, get to a food joint at Adabraka.

That is when a man chooses chicken and then changes his mind and asks the seller for beef and wele instead. The people who buy for people in their offices are often men. One person can come and after buying the first consignment, will go like: “give me the same thing as the first 6 except that this time add, fried plantain.

And after he had been served, he would still be there usually with some annoying look asking for jollof to be served in waakye leaves because that is what Boss Alotey prefers. Massa, let your company open a catering services in your company o.

So Daddy Kweku was looking miserable and a bit confused after returning from a hunting expedition without a game. Abeg, if you don’t know what ‘game’ means here, don’t equate it with football match o because I know you, Kofi.

Concerned about his extremely low countenance, his wife approached him and calmly asked her dear husband what the problem could be. ‘Kweku after a long sigh of ‘hmmm hmmm hmmm’ decided to let the cat out of the bag.

He confided in his wife and told her: “Mansa, in the forest I saw an antelope and it attempted running away so I fired my gun and it fell. Excited by the meeting of my target, I got to the scene of victory to pick the carcass only to realise it was a human being!’ ‘Lord God have mercy; we are in real trouble’, exclaimed the wife.

‘So what do we do now – report the matter to the police?’, the wife suggested. Kweku responded swiftly ‘Ei, do you want me to go to jail? Anyway, never mind; I just dug a big hole and buried the body there and covered the area with some shrubs so no one can detect’, Kweku explained. Kweku was afraid the law might deal with him for murder.

At the same time, his wife was also afraid Kweku might be haunted by the ghost of his victim if he failed to report the matter because the spirits of human beings are so strong and it may not end well with him, Kweku.

In the night around 7pm, Kweku led his wife and showed her where the body was buried and covered with some leaves to avoid detection in the forest. They both cried together and with so much fear and guilt as they walked back home.

Unknown to Kweku, his wife stealthily went to the Police to report the husband as to how he had killed a human being and buried him without reporting it to the police. Kweku was home and before he knew it, he was picked up by the police on charges of murder.

The Police asked him to lead them to where the body was buried. Upon arrival at the crime scene, he was forced to exhume the body all by himself. He started crying. Of course, his wife was with them and it was evidently clear the wife wanted to punish him for the misunderstanding between them. In a panicky mood while crying, Kweku exhumed the body and lo and behold, it turned out to be the body of a pig!

Kweku started smiling. His wife was confused and shedding ‘pork tears’. The Police were embarrassed especially the fact that they ‘jossed’ him to the ‘crime scene’. All he said to the Police in the presence of his ‘loving’ wife was ‘TRUST NO ONE’; I JUST PUT THE CLOSEST PERSON TO ME TO THE TEST AND HERE WE ARE’!

Ei, you! I enjoy it when I tell lies like this and you believe me la. Hahahahahaha! You believe everything, Ogah?

Indeed, this was a fiction narrated to us by my 81-year old mother in 1983, the hunger time! She koraaa I don’t know whether she’s turned the 81 years already or not. All I remember is that Daa Minawo said she was born in the year of a devastating earthquake in parts of West Africa; and that was in 1939. As to whether in January or August, she doesn’t know. So when I am filling some forms for her, I make it January 1, 1939. Matter finish!

Two years ago when she was taken ill to the hospital by my elder sister and they asked of her age, she said she was 42 years old. Then they asked my senior sister how old she herself is and she said 54! That is how the walking stick can become taller than the old person using it!

Let me repeat ‘TRUST NO ONE, not even yourself! I remember the night I thought I could trust myself at a funeral I’d attended outside Accra and slept on the same bed with a lady with big this thing. Abeg, the fifth limb in between a man’s thighs has no sense o’. That’s why a thief-rapist gave his out recently and his victim did the needful by chopping the part that he uses to enter the net. The lady should have chopped it from the base. Aish! I can imagine how the pain felt!

Mother-in-Law Pyjamas? So that’s what gave you the energy to read this abstract. Ei, Dapo? What is it about that I will have nothing to write about but on my mother-in-law pyjamas? Ao! Weytin concern me with her pyjamas? God be with you if you think it’s easy to come up with ‘useless’ titles.

Don’t be tired from using the face masks because the virus is not tired of causing havoc!