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Usless Column: 'Transparent Ab3nkwan'

Fri, 26 Feb 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

The most confident man is the man who goes for a job interview and tells the panelists after he has been asked ‘can you take pressure?’ and he answers: ‘I owe my landlord rent for 2 and half years’.

They are some of the people who can take-over your property if you make them care-takers (hw3so mami) of your uncompleted buildings if you want to be the Mr. or Ms. Good Person’ o. I hope you remember ‘Akwetey Police’ who nearly succeeded in using the property I made him to be a care-taker of as collateral to go and take a loan o! Be advised o, yoo!

Some things are better kept a secret. Don’t be transparent about everything. How can you tell your wife you have been paying fees for a young lady at the university? Or better still tell her because the two shall become one, slay Q Angela gets you upset and for that matter, you rush to your wife to confess to her. Go ahead! Hmmmm!

This is probably one of the reasons I have a problem with people who call themselves ‘Solomon’ yet have only one wife. Waste of name for nothing!

Ehern come to think of it, when the white-man says it is a crime to have more than one Christian wife, can we Africans also go and rent an office in oyibo-land for Polygamists Association Secretariat? All we need to say is that we want to be an NGO!

In fact, I think the membership will be so huge that we may need several hectares of land to build an office for polygamists. Polygamy and that disgusting thing, which one must be discouraged? Ah!

I still cannot believe that this disgusting thing really exists. Ah! The way God has planned it for man and woman to enjoy each other paa and I hear discussions about this ‘iron-enter-iron’ thing, I feel nauseous. Ah!

Eiiii. I just remembered the dream I had about someone last weekend o. Dreams can be funny er. You are driving and before you know it, you are being driven. And then the next thing you see in the dream, you are climbing a mango tree to pluck coconut! Sometimes, you see bundles of 200 ghana notes being given to you and then you wake up and your wallet is ‘spacious’!

In the dream I had last week er, hmmm; I pray I never have such a dream again. I was in the bathroom with this single lady who has ‘denied me access’ for many years so I gave up. I don’t know where this dream came from. I saw her in my dream. In the dream, she was bathing and I was in the bathroom too.

She was standing in front of me, still bathing. I drooled! Honestly I don’t know what brought me to the bathroom in which she was. I was controlling myself in the dream until the soap she was bathing with fell on the floor and she bent down to pick it while in front of me! OMG! At that point I told myself what can come; even some preacher men could fall. Then I heard a knock on my main gate that woke me up.

Ah! Ah! Ah! It was the guy who has been collecting my refuse (borla) who was coming for his money for the month! I almost cursed him and abrogated the contract between me and him for denying me access to the ‘promised land’

Kweku, abeg, if this is the first time you are reading from me, then you have a problem o. There is nothing useful here o. Hahahahaha. All I talk about is basaaaa….chakaaaaaa.

Non-fa nkoaaa! Total abstract with nothing to learn from but it releases stress but one thing is for sure: ‘Don’t Read’ because there is no order. One moment, a story starts and the next moment another story enters and disrupts it. Don’t mind the author. They are all lies ooo….hahahahahaha!

Do you know the worst scammer in the world? He is that vegetarian who tells you he doesn’t eat cow meat but prefers to eat wele. If you don’t fear such a person, follow him and you are doomed o, yoo.

Some of them claim they don’t drink alcohol; go and smell the malt bottle they sent their children with and you would understand why the palm tree is arguably the most useful plant nature has given us; everything can be gotten from it including palm wine from which akpeteshie is distilled!

They are the same people who would tell you not to eat cow meat because the fat of the cow will accumulate in your stomach. Where do the cows get the fat from? From the grass they chew? We like deceiving ourselves o, debida!

I was at a joint around the December inside last year and saw this nice place and decided to make myself happy with fufu and abenkwan (palm nut soup) as displayed on their signpost. You won’t believe this. Lord God have mercy. Some people don’t know how to cook o, yet they have adopted catering as their business.

What I saw was plain water that looked like apple fruit juice. The soup was so transparent I could see the fish and meat at the bottom. So badly prepared as if it was purgative and sadly the waitress was so proud of having served me the best lunch of her life. She first wasted my time. You know how annoying it can be when you enter an eating place and the first thing they bring to you is water to wash your hands with.

The next thing is to bring tissue. Then they delay you for 20-30 minutes before the food arrives. Auntie, is it food I want to eat or water to wash my hands with? Know your customers’ priorities o. this was what the lady did to me.

I was so disappointed and asked her to go back to catering school. As far as I am concerned, the abenkwan must be thick and opaque such that sometimes one requires fork and knife to cut it.

The lady, feeling embarrassed at my outburst defended herself by saying that the customers who come to eat there prefer the abenkwan to be light. I told her it was a lie unless of course eno bi Ghana we dey!

I looked around and realized there was only one other person in the chop bar. The others went to a nearby joint where they sold the same fufu and abenkwan but what misled me to this transparent abenkwan base was the signpost.

It was so beautifully designed with nice pictures of thick abenkwan but the opposite was the case. The other joint being patronized by more people had no signpost!

That is why it is dangerous to be judgmental. What you see in others, chances are that, they exist in you. You see, when you see a man and a 26-year old single lady entering a guest house at odd hours, what comes to your mind?

Whatever comes to mind is bcos you have been there before and as to whether you went there to fast and pray, God dey watch we all o, yooo. Every human being is both good and bad including you and I, or?

Greetings to my Assistant, Samuel Arthur Oduro (Macho-man), who is so full of ideas and energy that he went to the gym and broke his leg. Hahahahahaha! Macho, remember COVID-19 is real o, yoo.

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu
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