What intimacy is not

Inti Macy File photo

Wed, 22 Jun 2016 Source: Bisi Adewale

Many people erroneously believe that intimacy strips you of your liberty, handing it over to your spouse on a platter of gold. This inhibits intimacy as everyone is constantly looking out to protect their interests.

Here are few misconceptions of intimacy:

“Intimacy is not sex”

Many people interpret ‘getting intimate’ as having sex. The truth is, sex is not intimacy and intimacy is not sex. However, intimacy will encourage sex in marriage.

Intimacy is not loss of liberty, it is not bondage

It is liberty through bonding. Intimacy is not a shackle; it is a miracle. It is not meant to punish you; it is meant to furnish you with love.

Loss of personal identity

Intimacy does not mean you are no more yourself, it doesn’t bury your identity; it only means your identity is sharpened through the power of two.

It is not for husbands to dominate their wives. No! In an intimate marriage, nobody is a master.

God’s Making

God is not responsible for the building of intimacy in your marriage. The couples have to roll up their sleeves and get to work. Don’t just pray and expect intimacy. Intimacy is not something you just pray for; it is something you work for. It is something you labour to get.

It is not a 24/7 Relationship

Intimacy does not mean you must be together 24/7. It is not about ‘shadowing’, it is about connecting. You can go about your daily business and still maintain intimacy.

It is not a “Me Only” Relationship

Intimacy is not a license to suffocate your spouse, thereby ensuring he or she does not talk to other people. Your spouse may have friends but intimacy only means you are closer to him or her than any other person.

Not Dependency

It is not about the other partner depending on you for everything where he or she must not think on his or her own without consulting you. Intimacy is interdependence not dependence.

Not Idleness

Intimacy does not in any way condone idleness. Intimacy means you are still connecting though you are diligent. It means you are still together despite your busy schedules.

Not About Luring

You can’t lure somebody into becoming intimate with you using material things. You can only achieve intimacy by opening up to your spouse and loving him or her. Only then can you convince your spouse to open up and connect with you.

Not About Lording

You cannot lord or bully your wife to be intimate with you. You get it by love not by lording.

Goes Beyond Romance

Intimacy goes beyond romance; you can be romantic without being intimate. Romance is more physical, intimacy involves attachment bond, a state of feeling loved, accepted and celebrated.

Not a Destination

Intimacy is a journey not a destination. You can’t say, “Now, we can relax since we are already intimate”. No! it is a life-time journey, not a destination.

Columnist: Bisi Adewale