Opinions Sat, 17 Oct 2009

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Wife Vs. Mistress: Why Are You With That Married Man, Young Lady?

As little girls, we are taught to respect ourselves, so that boys, in turn, will show us respect. As we develop into young women, we come to appreciate our parents’ words. Mom and dad were right: unless we conduct ourselves in a manner that commands respect, men, and society at large, will not readily accord us the respect that we feel we deserve. So, since females are taught at an early age that self-respect is key, what then possesses some young women to lie with married men? Were these young ladies not taught both the importance of self-respect and respect for other people’s “property”?

To the young ladies who are involved with married men, I do not write this article to judge you, but to ask why you have decided to go down this path. As the saying goes, “You should never make any man a priority, when you are only an option for that man.” So, how did you get here, playing second fiddle to another woman? Do you not find it offensive for married men to even proposition you? As we all know, little girls never say, “When I grow up, I want to be a mistress.” As such, do you ever question yourself as to what led that married man to believe you will be content with being the “other” woman?

In the course of my lifetime, I have personally known three females who were involved with married men. There were so many things I wanted to say to them back then, but I felt I could not express my views on their behavior without seeming judgmental, so for the most part, I kept my opinions to myself. One weekend, however, I had an opportunity to ask some questions and express my views. The three mistresses, two other ladies (let’s call them Lady A and Lady B) and I attended an out-of-State function. The six of us spent two full days together, so as you can imagine, we covered a wide range of topics, including the subject of being a mistress versus being a wife.

In conversations that weekend, when asked why mistresses choose to have illicit affairs with married men, the three mistresses claimed that it is because they do not want to be in committed relationships. To state that the accompanying ladies and I were skeptical of the mistresses’ claims would be an understatement! If they do not want exclusive relations as they claim, then could these women not have uncommitted relationships with single men? After all, not every bachelor is also looking to commit himself to a woman.

Additionally, they asserted that, as mistresses, they got more attention from the men than these men's wives did. Delusion at its finest, I thought to myself! The other two ladies and I did not believe their ridiculous assertions for a second! As we all know, married men live with their spouses, therefore they spend more time with their wives. Also, married men spend occasions such as Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and other special Holidays at home with their better halves, while the mistresses are abandoned to find something else to do with themselves. So, how can these three women claim to get more attention from their married lovers than these men's wives do?

That weekend was the one time I felt comfortable enough to share my views on their behavior. I expressed to the mistresses that there was no truth to the reasons they were providing. And that I think they date married men because they suffer from low self-esteem; as such, they feel they cannot do any better than playing second fiddle to other women. Of course, my statements did not go over well with the mistresses, nevertheless, I continued: “In my view, if, as a young lady, you are not insulted when a married man propositions you, then I’m sorry, it calls into question your self-worth. I mean, what is a married man’s objective, when he propositions you? He obviously doesn’t see you as a decent young lady he can build a life with - he has that at home already - but rather as a lady with whom he can have a few hours of cheap thrills when his wife is not around. He’s the man you currently share your bed with, yet when you see each other in public while he is in the company of his wife, he doesn’t acknowledge your presence but behaves as if he doesn’t even know you. How can any self-respecting lady feel good about such an arrangement?”

After I was done with what the mistresses sarcastically termed as “Lola’s pontification hour,” one of the mistresses named Gina asserted that the married man she was then having an affair with loved her more than he loved his wife. Clearly, this is a very delusional and gullible young woman! Lady B then said to Gina: “If he loved you more than he loved his wife, wouldn’t he have left her for you by now? ” Gina responded: “If I were to ask him to leave his wife today, he’ll do it, it’s just that I don’t want to be in a committed relationship.” All I could do at that point was stare at Gina in disbelief! The obviously naive mistress honestly believed that this married man loved her more than he loved his wife!

According to the aforesaid gullible mistress, the married man claimed he never loved his wife to begin with, and that he married her only because she “trapped him” with a pregnancy. How can anyone believe such an obvious lie? In earlier centuries, men felt obliged to marry in such situations, but in this day and age, is that still the case? Lady A rhetorically asked Gina, “Can’t you see he is denigrating his wife only because he thinks that is what you want to hear? If he can say such a thing about his wife, and the mother of his children, what then do you suppose he will say about you, the mistress, once his wife finds out about your existence? He’ll deny he even knows you!”

After two days and endless hours spent poking holes in the three mistresses’ arguments, none of them changed their ways (not that I expected them to!). And Gina still clung to her delusion that the married man she was with loved her more than he loved his wife. This brings me to questions I have for the husbands, who insist on breaking their marriage vows by having extra-marital affairs. What is the reason for the illicit affairs? Why do you say disparaging things about your wives to your mistresses? Also, when you seek potential mistresses, are there distinctive traits about certain young ladies that lead you to believe that they will be content with playing second fiddle? What is it about certain young women that gives you, married men, the audacity to even approach them?

As previously stated, we are very interested in hearing the stories you tell your mistresses to give the illusion that you do not love your wives. Some of these mistresses are under the impression that your wives do not mean anything to you. Case in point: One Saturday, a female friend and I went shoe shopping. While at the mall, we encountered the married man who supposedly loved his mistress, Gina, more than he loved his wife - he was shopping with his missus. My friend and I called Gina to playfully tease her that, while she is sitting at home on a Saturday waiting for him to call, he is out shopping with his “wifey”. Our friend, the mistress, was not amused - she was absolutely livid! Gina was furious we would call her with such news, and she was enraged that the man had taken his wife to the mall. How dare he take his wife shopping? Huh? But that is his wife! I thought to myself.

What else had the married man been telling Gina for her to be so angry that he had taken his wife out on the town? I wondered. In addition to supposedly telling Gina that he loved her more than his wife, had the philandering husband also been telling her he never takes his wife out anywhere, hence the mistress’s unbridled fury? I found Gina’s reaction to the news extremely bizarre! Since that incident, I ceased to ask any of the mistresses about their relationships. It became all the more apparent to me that, though they claimed to not want exclusive relationships, in actuality, they did. Because if you do not want a committed relationship with the man you’re currently involved with, why then would you be enraged over the fact that he is seen with another woman - his wife for that matter?

This brings me back to my initial question: To the ladies who are having or have had affairs with married men, what are your reasons? Does, or did, being with someone else’s husband not affect your self-esteem? What kind of tales do the married men regale you with to convince you to stay with them? Conversely, to the philandering husbands, with the numerous diseases out there, why risk the health of your wives? What are some of the stories you tell your mistresses to keep them interested? Do you tell them you are going to leave your wives next month, next year, the following year? Of course, we are also interested in the views of those men who are faithful to their significant others!

Lola, Washington, DC

Columnist: Lola

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