Useless Column: 'Flat or hard?'

Those of you who drive to the gym to go and walk on a treadmill now, how many market? Don’t get too close to a Husband and Wife who are on good terms o. Konkonsa? Gossip?

They would gossip and say all kinds of things about you. In fact, don’t visit them or else by the time you leave, hehehe! Even if you have to visit, don’t eat the food served to you. My uncle Ganyaglo told me a story about himself.

After visiting a couple and eating ayikple (beans cooked with corn flour), he forgot his spectacles. He went back to pick it, and unknown to the couple, he was walking into the verandah (not porch) when he heard the husband asking the wife: “Is he gone?” Wife responds:

“yeso”.

Husband: “This man can eat o”. Wife: “aswear”! This was said to his hearing. Next time, before attending a party, eat first, or else when the food is delayed, you are likely to be displaying your ancestral poverty there. People will talk or video you; you can’t stop them! Couples don’t see it as gossiping, but they see it as singing love songs to each other. Hmmm!

The best time to visit a couple is when you suspect they are not on good terms.

It’s Ghana Month again, and many people are doing many, many things as regards food.

Everyone is doing a bit of everything Ghanaian. This year’s Independence Day anniversary is the most romantic ever – 69! You know what this number means in the bedroom of a man and a woman? Ei, 6 th March, 2026! You spoil there la! Hahaaaaa!

You alone, turning number – whereas from various perspectives, some would see the 6 as 9 and the nine as 6, others use it for other adventures and get throat and mouth infections!

They are not wrong; that is democracy! I think if there is any food that should be marketed internationally, fufu has the upper hand because it has already been marketed to some extent, and leveraging on that will make it a big deal. Ghana fufui is great.

I don’t know of any part of the country where fufu is not eaten, generally! A typical cross-pollination of different ingredients across the country, eaten anywhere, the same way some of us shamelessly urinate anywhere! On Independence Day, I was so impressed with the people who were clad in Ghana colours.

I am happy because the spirit of patriotism, as it did in Mundial 2006 and AFCON 2008, is being shored up! Greetings to Yakubu Ayigbeni of Nigeria. Oh, Black Stars Junior Agogo of blessed memory! May you rest well! Hmmm!

That was the time that you find Ghanaians eating the meals of a tribe not really noted for such delicacy.

As for my people and me, we will continue to eat our work and fetri detsi, but I will vote for fufu and any type of soup any day.

Try Sokod3 fufu or fufu prepared in Bolga.

Food di333, don’t go there. I once used my pet goat for light soup, and it was not a bad idea at all, but….Heyheyhey! Eeeeei! I invited only a few guys to chop my bachelor's night on the eve of my wedding.

I was not expecting more than 15 friends. Before I could say jack, more than 150 cars were parked around. One goat, 150 cars with their ‘contents’? How! Each car had an average of at least 2 human beings. Almost 300 adults with a good appetite and only one goat!

Alex, my paddy advised me to get the caterers to add more pepper, at least half a sack of chilli pepper (akwele waabi) pounded pepper into the soup, and make available a lot of pure water.

In fact, the good news was that the taps in my house were flowing that evening. This was to be a rendition of the miracle story of Jesus feeding 5,000 people with two tilapia and a bunch of grapes. You won’t believe that everybody was served ‘satisfactorily’ that night, and we still had the head of the goat remaining.

If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer! Kai! Each person was served a piece of goat meat and some soup around it as a special 4G soup. Believe me, most people couldn’t finish this one piece of meat after tasting and drinking the soup. The next thing was to ask for water. Some drank almost two buckets of tap water just to ‘cool’ the effects of the

pepper.

The pepper was really hot and probably only good for some type of smokers! Only 2 notorious friends of mine managed to finish their meat and soup and were still fine, even though one could see that their eyes turned red. I don’t know what they smoke, but I suspect them paaa!

The rest drank water saaaaaaaaaa till their bladders were ready to explode. hmmmm! My small goat and you people had plans and brought your girlfriends along to come and eat and go. Don’t you think fufu and this type of soup won't be a bad idea to be identified as Ghanaian food?

Anaa? As for gob3, I won’t recommend it for the international market unless, of course, the country in which it should be marketed is in dire need of biogas!

This goat was so stubborn that I often would go crazy anytime I saw it trying to cough, especially after having eaten beans the previous day.

Not really about the coughing, it coughs, but the atuabo gas that it emits from behind anytime it does in an attempt to compete with me. It is perhaps the only animal that passes gas conspicuously as humans do. It coughs, and then you can hear.

It sneezes, you can hear, and walks shamelessly ahead of you, unconcerned. It is Happy Ghana Month, and the response: ‘Freedom and Justice’ should it be, methinks!

While distilleries and breweries are spending fortunes on advertising and marketing their beer and other soft drinks, have you ever seen akpeteshie being advertised anywhere?

I stand to be corrected, but I haven’t seen any yet. Is it because it is the undisputable chairman of all drinks, very quiet but dangerous in the bottle?

I heard good chairmen don’t talk much, so I am not surprised at apio. It is very transparent and corruption-free, but let it enter your body and see what happens within seconds.

I have never mentioned here that my first real experience was when I drank some and was super excited, but noticed serious changes in my body – instantly. When I move the right leg, the left one appears to be non-existent. Even the right leg became heavier than normal.

I was so happy saying things that had no meaning. Confessing sins that no one was interested in.

Eish! Sodabi is a baaad boy! I learnt how to booze apio when my uncle, the famous Ganyaglo, used to send me to buy his ‘quarter’. He would ask me to sip small, and then he would sip the majority.

After that, he would ask that we go and create chaos by provoking people who have not offended us.

Surprisingly, those who were hitherto not on good terms with us were the people we embraced and hugged in joy! What a double-edged liquid! When he staggers to the right while walking, I similarly stagger to the left. Until recently, I had not seen Ganyaglo for some years.

I got to know recently that he has gone back to the village and has moved on. Moved on to where, ah, they say he has advanced from drinking akpeteshie.

Now he is into full-scale distillation of akpeteshie. When I got to know, I fainted because I knew the effect is going to have on his liver and other related organs like the kidneys.

This man is going to be in trouble now that he owns the production hub and the warehouse of the African vodka. He becomes brave, but he is a coward; I know him.

Some people are testing missiles on themselves, and we too are testing akpeteshie on ourselves.

Anyway, we are just watching, scared of the effects this might have on our fuel and things. Hmmm!

One of the things I can’t say in the presence of my siblings or siblings is anything about sex.

I am unable to talk about anything sexual in nature, perhaps because of the way I was brought up!

It remains a mystery to me how I have become a professional. What concerns me about teaching my children? When they get there, they will learn it on their own. I am sure you were expecting to see ‘flat or hard bombom’ or flat chest; sorry, none of the above in this abstract!