Useless Column: The real tribute

Did you know that if you want to make the worst mistake in life, the easiest way is to discuss it with people? Ironically, the best axiom that makes sense to some people is only when they are about to make a decision that they know would bring about unpleasant consequences is “life is short”.

Who doesn’t know this? Ah! Brother, Sister, check yourself again when you get to this point of “life is short”. You know the outcome would be either positive or negative. If you still don’t get it, do you remember that time in your life when you say to yourself in the head: “let me do it ‘raw’ and enjoy the sweetness and in your head you managed to convince yourself that ‘after all life is short’? Don’t be careful; just go ahead!

As short as life is, Breda Anane died aged 63 and a tribute was read out by his close friends at a funeral in the land of Omuofia.

“The righteous perish, and no one ponder it in his Heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death” - Isaiah 57:1-2

Death is treacherous; this time at the doorsteps of the Anane family by taking away our Chairman of the Alcoholics Committee of Omuofia. Brother Anane, we would sorely miss you.

Having been called to his heavenly abode, we have no control but we can assure all mourners gathered here that memories of Mr. Anane would forever be with not only us, but also members of this noble community where he gained notoriety for killing neighbours’ livestock which come to graze in his backyard garden.

Anane, who was then the Director of the A.M.O.A Group became sick following excessive intake of alcohol and cigarette smoking. He was also reckless with sexual promiscuity and ate a lot of goat meat. We are even surprised he live this long!

Until his untimely demise, Breda Anane, as he was affectionately called has been in constant touch with our boozing brotherhood to ensure that all members were on course and did not go beyond the limit of alcohol taken at any given time even though he himself would drink himself beyond the ‘speed limit’.

Before we became close friends he was my colleague at work and was always presenting fake receipts for purchases made.

The audit unit at some point dragged him to the CEO of the company to explain. He has 5 houses 3 of which are in Accra and Tema alone. Apart from his Mercedes car at the workshop, he has about 6 more cars which he alone drove. After the funeral you can go to his house and check since the house is not far from this funeral ground. He was very stingy with money but gave freely when drunk.

Shirley was his office girlfriend and they have 2 children together. If these children are here can Shirley bring them for mourners to see? One of the kids looks exactly like him. Interestingly, this is not known to the widow and at this point, Sister Yaa, Shirley had been ‘chopping’ your husband until his death so don’t trust her again.

[At this point, attempts were being made to take the microphone from this friend of the deceased but he resisted and continued]:

“Breda Anane was always of the conviction that ‘one cannot be honest in a dishonest society’. No wonder he was linked to every scandal at the workplace but he was smart; he always escaped punishment and his neighbourhood only knew him as a clean man who earned his money genuinely. But for the fact that people are here, I would have said he was a plain azaan man but I won’t say it!

He took money from some people that he was going to get them visas to travel abroad. He chopped the money and Breda is now going to Asamrado. We don’t think even hell can accommodate him.

Indeed, news of his passing on came to us as joy to the bone when barely 3 weeks ago, he was in ‘hearty’ touch with us all on our whatsapp platform.

During his tenure of office in his company, he had demonstrated great leadership skills through taking kickbacks on every purchase made since he was in charge of purchases.

His potbelly is the result of his excessive wealth the reason nobody should envy or compete financially with anyone who is involved in fictitious deals.

He never compromised on his integrity when it comes to changing people’s dates of birth at the workplace in return for good money. With regard to his time consciousness values, he was always late for meetings but always the first to be present at meetings where money would be shared.

Though affable, he was not firm at all as small small girls often dribbled him. He was always sending money to girls outside Accra as transport money. Most of these girls never showed up. You know alcohol is the best friend of honesty – it makes it easier for a drunk person to say it the way it is. One day he told us [when he was a state of stupor] that it is a first degree felony for anyone to think he has a girlfriend. Wrong – he had many girlfriends! Using cytotek on some of these girls was his hobby as he feared his wife might leave him if it is found out that he has put another woman in a motherly way.

Ehern, come to think of it; have you noticed that many of the women who keep fighting for the girl child keep giving birth to boy children? I didn’t say anything for any feminist to think I am being misogynistic o! Just wondering why men are not interested in fighting for the right of the boychild too who also needs attention. Hmmmm!

Ahan, let me continue with the tribute: ‘As our Chairman, Breda Anane always made it conspicuously clear that he was in charge and took the first shots of akpeteshie before any other person does. allowed the order of meetings to flow in a disciplined manner and issues addressed with a high level of professionalism in a progressive manner.

For those of us who have worked closely with Breda Anane, we would miss him but one thing is for sure: that he has left a legacy of weed smoking during his secondary school days. From the alcoholic committee, we wish you eternal rest, Breda! Fare thee well till we don’t get to meet again because we are not sure whether you would make it to heaven! This man could tell lies to the extent that even when seen in hell, he would explain that he just came to visit a friend”.

Though all men are polygamists by nature, why did the tribute make it look like Breda Anane was such a bad man? Don’t people know that the nicest tributes about the deceased are mostly a far cry from what it is? Officially we all have one but unofficially….uncountable. If side chics should be allowed to read tributes at the funerals of men er, I am sure the brochures will be bigger than the size of the Oxford dictionary.

Dear reader, be on good terms with your relatives and some o f your friends too or else when you are 90 years old and you are gone, the heading to your obituary will be ‘AT LONG LAST’ as they did for Breda Anane.