Useless Column: 'When your fingers also fail you'

That one most important lesson I have learnt from Arsenal’s victory is that it will be difficult for you if you don’t have JESUS in the team! Greetings to Bob Roco Romeo, Chairman of Man U Supporters Association of Ghana. Chairman, don’t cry o, na play we dey play…hahaaaaaa! Congratulations to Arsenal. This Club is a spirit, I tell you.

The biggest investment mistake I have made since 2010 was when I bought a container for a lady thinking that was the end. I didn’t know that after buying the container, I needed to help her look for land space to place it as well as stock inside with provisions.

I combed the neighbourhoods of Ablekuma, Amamorley and Awoshie-Anyaa begging landlords so they can allow her to place the container in front of their houses so she can sell her provisions.

The few who welcomed me also wanted money for the space. Ehern, come to think of it, who in his wisdom, decided to name a town ‘Anyaa” and for what reason? Ei! Some people don’t fear God koraa o. Just listen…Anyaaaa, maybe Estates – Anyaaa Estates! Ah! Yaovi, womanizing no good o; it is more stressful than marriage though I will encourage you to try it just once – you would learn wisdom, aswear.

Has a girl turned you down before? If not and you are already married, don’t try it; it can be heartbreaking. I thought this one, through her actions, was in love with me. I wasn’t married then because I was in school. My best friend Sammy advised me to buy chocolate when I am visiting.

She was living at North Kaneshie. The chocolate was in the front pocket of my jeans while jumping from trotro to trotro from Kisseman to her house. So by the time I got to her house, the chocolate had started melting. We sat down on her verandah and she offered me water.

Her father was around. Their dog was in chain but close enough to do what dogs are supposed to do when the situation calls for it! I was determined but afraid.

I didn’t know what to tell Akos when she came to sit by me. She was a second year pharmacy student and I was in level 400 so I was preparing the ground for this ‘useless’ thing I later got to know is called ‘marriage’. I had never toasted a woman so it was a tough one.

She would look at my face as if to tell me I have to start going. Her father who was watching TV in their living room but close to where we were seated outside occasionally cleared his throat; he was an ex-service man with biceps and triceps visible enough to scare any intruder. I fear soldiers.

She brought me fanta to drink. I was sipping it small small hoping that by the time I am done drinking it, my girl would accept my proposal even though I couldn’t open my mouth to say it. And then the dog backed at someone knocking on their gate; it was Akosua’s brother – he was in soldier uniform.

Ei! My heart missed a bit when I saw him enter the house in his full military accoutrement – armed! I pretended I was looking around to find a stone…just in case the dog decides to go bonkers. Then I remembered the famous Yuroba expression that: “you pray in English if your problem is not big enough”! I prayed in Ga!

I am sharing this useless story because someone is going round telling that I am a good person. Me? since when? I am not o. I am just like any other person – good and bad and sometimes hypocritical! Hypocritical because I cant look at someone and his mouth is smelling. I just can’t. That makes me a hypocrite, no be so? Most human beings are evil by nature. Cain started all of this; where is he now mpo? Onipa ye bad!

It just reminds me of my first car purchased in 2006. Alla! That car and its troubles! The day I decided to offer lift to a single lady neighbor who I had admired for so long, that was the day the engine went off and refused to start again the moment the lady sat in front of my car.

She could not stand the sweat generated from the car as I made unsuccessful attempts at starting while developing blisters on my index finger. That same finger I found multiple uses for when I grew up…with feelings.

That was when I nearly became a marriage counsellor but I advised myself against that kind of profession. The hardest profession is that of a marriage counsellor. Two adult human beings who have seen each other’s nakedness several times have issues or disagreements. And you want me to be the one to solve their problem? Ei! Weytin concern me, Tordia?

If you want to know how my craving for Akos ended, the long and short of it is that I was so nervous I couldn’t give her the chocolate; I ate it myself on my way back to Kisseman.

But I am still in that ‘business’ once in a while. Hahaaaaa! I managed to get this one for myself recently. She has everything I desired; I had little energy. She was complaining that my ‘thing’ doesn’t get to where it is supposed to reach. Ei! Matter don come o, Bra Kofi.

I explained things to her that all I have is what she has seen – ‘bank account plus momo plus susu box’ all put together, that is all that I have. What made it worse was when she told me to grow up and do something about it. A 24-year old lady who I am twice older than in age; she is asking me to ‘grow up’. Sadly, I pleaded with her with the assurance that I will see what I can do about it though I know there is nothing I can do about it.

You see the disrespect we bring upon ourselves in the name of having useless fun? Don’t trust people who claim they have medicines that can make you ‘longer or bigger’. You can give it a try only if you have evidence that there is medication that can make people grow taller. If not, abeg, go and rest and manage it like that.

After all, that is all that you have; manage it like that. No be your fault. Sometimes e go dey do you like you are about to miss the ‘doorway’ but keep on trying. Mind you, when you finally succeed in getting into the doorway, stop talking before you ‘bow down’ again…shamefully.

Do it fast fast and do piaaaaa, wear your boxer shorts and go home and rest. Don’t be tempted to let your wife know that the ‘disability’ of your 5th limb has been put to the test and it failed you miserably.

One day when the 5th limb failed me, I had to use my fingers to complement my effort and the fingers too failed me, so I was compelled to clinch my fist and use it. It worked well. That was when I realised that ‘elasticity’ does not apply in only economics but it is also deeply rooted in biological sciences! Space dey inside, and I filled it!

This untrue story is a ‘useless’ abstract I have put together in my wildest and most fertile imaginations and can never be true. Usually when the weekend is approaching, my distins come to scatter my brain for the useless column.

Thank God nobody read it!

As you enter this weekend, let me warn you o. ‘Oh Bra, you can pour it inside because I am in my safe period’ is the ‘agreement’ that creates street children! Go ahead and be ‘pouring and borning’ by heart and become irresponsible. Go ahead and don’t protect yourself against HIV and unwanted pregnancies.

#Sin fascinates and assassinates! Bye byeeeeeee!