You came round to eat my yam
Then you came again to eat my nshima (maize pasta)
But today, you must prostrate
And pay homage
I have daubed my body with sweet-scented cocoa cream
I have smeared some parts with natural shea butter
And I have also dubbed my pudenda with
Bint-el-Sudan talcum powder
For Friday evening special effect,
On Saturday, I prefer scintillating aroma
Of Townhall or Saturday Night talcum vintage,
Yes, I am ready for those who pay,
They get the password to the secret gate
They obtain discounts and a good bargain,
Good customer, call again
You came to suck succulent breasts
You came to steal sweet kisses
But today you must pay
Or else you will eat cold nshima
With maggot-infested bearded meat,
Not even cold matoka leftovers for you
If you want fresh hot nshima
Or hot yummy pounded yam with
Ogbono or egusi soup and bitter leaf,
Stuffed with chunks of Isi ewu (goat meat) –
Or do you prefer ugali, joloff rice, jambalaya or couscous?
Then you must pay, pay really big
Nshima is not for free
Nor is pounded yam or any of the African dishes,
In a credit crunch period
The naira is expensive to mint
Yet I’m reasonable enough to know
You don’t vomit cash
But understand, I have endless needs to
Keep the good sexy looks and be dapper
Besides, I need insurance for old age
I run risk of female diseases
Like cervical cancer, obstretic
Fistula and cancer of the breast,
Just as you men suffer prostate cancer
And urinary retention
I detest men with stingy arms
I abhor mean men with stony hearts
If you come again without a loaded purse
I shall incant on you a secret curse
I will crush your nostrils in bed
With my helluva surplus breasts
To cause asphyxia
I will yank your silly willy from between your legs
I will dump your shoes and clothes
In the dirty running kitchen sink
Then give you a forensic frisk over
When I’ve crooned you to a deep sleep
In your drunken stupor,
Then you will trudge home through the village
In your birthday suit in the wee hours
Of a cold Monday morning
In deed, I hate yam eaters who don’t pay
Or who pay skimpingly
I scorn nshima swallowers who don’t stay
These are the Casanovas who need castration
They behave like hit-and-run minibus
Drivers who ply the streets of Lusaka
Or like the Okada and Molue drivers in Lagos
Or like the Matatus in Kampala or Nairobi
They are all the same
They are greedy money prostitutes
They cram the buses to the brim
Disregarding the comfort of commuters
Hey fella, yam and nshima are staple foods
They must be eaten always (24/7)
Fresh and very hot
If you come again and you don’t pay
I will chase you with a fufu pounding
Mortar stick
I will slosh you with a stinking week-old
Urine of mine kept for the purpose,
I will pepper-bomb your eyes with
Alligator pepper
I will hang a bell around your neck
To alert the village womenfolk,
Remember, sex doesn’t come cheap
These days,
Better still, stick to one woman –
One man, one nshima
Multiple sex partners is costly and a
Nightmare
It breeds wahala
Sexmaniacs and serial sexists
Go home to roost
One woman is more than enough for life,
Is that your bona fide wife?
By Kwesi Atta Sakyi
