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I still remember the first day I was forced to have sex. I was 18 and in love with a gentleman who promised me heaven on earth. He treated me like I was his everything until that fateful day.
I was in his room on a visit. That was my third or so visit. My previous visits had been event free. I trusted him not to hurt me but that day he was different.
He pounced on me as though he was fighting a bull. I resisted. I fought him with every strength I had. He succeeded in forcefully taken what he wanted. I’ve never experienced pain that intense. I cried. I begged. I kept hitting on his chest to leave me alone. He wouldn’t listen. He had his way and I had my worse pain ever.
All sweaty and barely breathing, he apologized to me but I was in so much pain I couldn’t utter a word. I struggled to stand on my feet and when the pain subsided a little, I left and went home. I never saw him again. He said everything to make me reconsider him but I didn’t. I moved on.
Some years later I fell for another guy. Good looking and well mannered. But I couldn’t trust him not to hurt me. However hard he tried, I never visited his home. I resisted every attempt to be alone with him in any way.
He couldn’t stand me and “My drama” as he called it. He left me. I wanted him to stay. I promised I would change but I couldn’t simply change for him. I was too scared to go through such pain again.
And then Richie, the guy who is now my husband came along. He came with a promise of marriage. I didn’t trust him at first but as time went on he was able to make me open up to him. I told him about that sex experience. He understood my fears and tried to help me get over them.
We never had sex until finally we got married.
Everybody speaks highly of their honeymoon but I can’t do the same. It was terrible that night. He virtually had to fight me to get it and I had to clench my butt, squeeze my thighs and pull my muscles together before he could slip in. At a point, I felt my abdomen was being ripped apart. The pain was so unbearable.
He wanted another one but I threatened to scream for the whole hotel to hear. He stopped. We spent three days at the hotel and the only time we had sex was that once.
I love being married. Everything is beautiful except sex. I remember one night after fighting over sex and denying him, I made a stupid statement like; “If you like, get sex from other women and leave me alone.” I didn’t mean it but I felt I had to do or say anything just to free myself.
I met a gynecologist. There was nothing wrong with me. We attended a series of counseling. The counselor said I’ve had a painful experience with sex so I’ve developed psychological resistance to sex. That’s how come I Always experience pains. He said It might not even be pains but rather my mind playing back my past experience.
What I go through during sex isn’t a memory of past pain. It’s a real pain that feels like hell in my lower abdomen.
My husband started withdrawing. I could see in his actions that he was frustrated with me. He started coming home late after work and stopped talking to me. He’ll travel and not tell me or visit his parents and not tell me about it.
One day when he returned from his parents, he told me; “You won’t have sex with me so how do we start making babies?” Now I started thinking about it. I love babies. I want three of them and that means a lot of sex but how?
I started doing some exercise they said will help open up this and that in my body to help me enjoy sex. One night I decided to test if the exercise I had done will yield results so I called for a ‘match’. He was surprised because it was the first time I had specifically asked for sex. That night I nearly died. But I had to bear the pain till the end.
It’s been a year already in marriage and I could count the number of times we’ve had sex on my fingers. Sometimes I believe my husband is having an affair with another woman and will soon bring their kids home to me. That has been my worse fear. He’s mostly pensive and talks a lot on the phone. He could stay in bed till late in the night and be chatting with people.
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I want to rescue my marriage. I want to do everything to keep the man I married but it’s not easy. I don’t want to keep blaming that guy who forcefully had his way with me when I was young but I curse him anytime the memory of that fateful day comes to mind. He stole something from me that I can’t get it back however hard I try. Karma should deal with him.
I’m currently on some herbal drugs a good friend of mine prescribed to me. She told me it has worked magic for her and would solve my problem. I want to believe it would because I need healing and I need it quick.
