In my next life, I will never date a woman who has an ex-boyfriend

I proposed to Eli in 2018 after I’d crushed on her for about five months. She said, “I’m not interested.” I asked, “You’re not interested? Thats’ all?” She said, “I said I’m not interested. What else do you want me to say?” I sensed the anger in her voice and backed out. A week later, I met her in church again. I said hello and she said hi. After church, she ran up to me and said, “Sorry for how I treated you the other time. I’m going through a lot and I allowed myself to push my anger on you.” I said, “Yeah, I saw it so I wasn’t worried. We all have bad days sometimes.” She asked, “So am I forgiven?” I said, “I hold no grudges.”

We began talking, exchanging messages here and there and it was during that period that she let me in on what she was going through. She said, “I helped him travel abroad. He got there and he doesn’t talk to me again. I see him online. I send him messages. He reads them and says nothing back. Do you think that’s fair?” I said I was sorry for whatever she was going through. “Some guys don’t have a heart. They forget easily. Maybe he’s moving on and he’s afraid to tell you.” From then on, most conversations we had were about his boyfriend until one day she came to tell me; “I’m moving on. He doesn’t deserve all the love I have for him.” I said, “That’s the way to go.”

We began talking, exchanging messages here and there and it was during that period that she let me in on what she was going through. She said, “I helped him travel abroad. He got there and he doesn’t talk to me again. I see him online. I send him messages. He reads them and says nothing back. Do you think that’s fair?” I said I was sorry for whatever she was going through. “Some guys don’t have a heart. They forget easily. Maybe he’s moving on and he’s afraid to tell you.” From then on, most conversations we had were about his boyfriend until one day she came to tell me; “I’m moving on. He doesn’t deserve all the love I have for him.” I said, “That’s the way to go.”

I remember that day, we went out to celebrate it. Our first outing was to celebrate her freedom from her ex. We had fun and she even called the next day to thank me for everything that I’d done to help her move on. Three months later, she called to ask me, “Your proposal, is it still valid?” I said, “I never moved an inch. I’ve always been waiting for you.” She said, “Yes.” I asked, “Yes…?” She said, “Yeah, I’m your girlfriend now.” I asked, “So where do we start from?” She answered, “You tell me.”

Fast forward to 2020. I told her, “We should start planning marriage. We are not getting any younger and we’ve come far enough to take another step.” I remember how happy she was and how she tried to make a joke out of it. She said, “We’ll have a corona wedding so people can taste corona Jollof.” She’s always like that—adding fun to what’s supposed to be serious.

January 2021, I went to do the knocking and got the list for our marriage. She said, “We should fix timelines so we know how to get things done before the time.” That day, we chose 1st May 2021 as our wedding date. May because it’s her birth month and also the birth month of her mother. I started buying the things on the list. putting one and one together so I can get everything in place before the date gets close. In February, we declared our intention to get married to our pastor. He prayed for us and scheduled our counseling sessions to begin in March. We had our first counseling session on March 7th, 2021.

On March 12th, I went to her house to see her. It was actually unannounced because I was in her area and decided to go and see her. When I got there, her door was locked. I called her and she said she was at her mom’s place. I asked, “Would you keep long there?” She said, “Yeah, there’s this family issue we are addressing.” I said, “No problem. It’s been a long time since I saw your mom so let me pass by and say hello.” She went mute for a second and said, “No problem.” I set off to her mom’s place. In the middle of the journey, she called, “Don’t bother coming because we are leaving to one of our family member’s house.” I asked, “from there, where would you go?” She said, “Home.” I said OK.

The whole thing got me confused. The anxiety in her voice and how she was struggling with her words got me suspicious so I went back to her door and sat waiting for her. At 10:30pm I called her line and it was off. At 12:30am I called her line again and it was off. I left her place at 1am. The next day, I called her line and she told me; I had to sleep at my mom’s place because we came back very late and my phone too went off.” I asked her, “So where are you at the moment?” She said, “I’m getting ready to travel with my mom. It’s an emergency family thing. When I come back, I will tell you the whole story.”

The whole weekend I didn’t see her until Monday. She came telling me about her father’s brother who had impregnated a minor and the minor’s parents were threatening to take the matter to the police so the whole family had to come together and beg the minor’s family so they could settle the issue amicably. We had a conversation around the issue and discarded it. We attended our next counseling session the following day.

A few days ago I was going through Facebook when I saw the photo of my girlfriend’s ex on a mutual friend’s timeline. From the background of the photo and the ensuing comments, I realized he was in Ghana. I didn’t make much of it. That same evening, my girlfriend posted a photo of herself on her Whatsapp status. I looked at the photo carefully and said to myself, “This place looks familiar. Where did she take this photo?” Then my memory kicked in! It’s the same place her ex took the photo I saw on Facebook. I said, “These guys have been together.” I called her on phone, “Eli, the photo on your status where did you take it?” She asked, “Why are you asking?” I said, “I just want to know where you took that photo.” She said, “This is the first time you’re asking me that question so I want to know why.”

I went on Facebook, saved the photo of her ex, and sent it to her. I said, “This is why I’m asking you this question. Were you with him?” She answered, “The person is not even in Ghana so how would I be with him?” I said, “I know he’s in Ghana. I saw this photo of his and read the comment under it. Stop lying.” She said, “It’s you who knows he’s in Ghana but I don’t know so stop bothering me.” I asked, “Then how come both of you have photos with the same background?” She said, “You can’t ask me that question because I don’t know.”

I went to her mom and asked about the story she told me about her uncle and her mother had no clue. I asked her, “Oh so you didn’t travel anywhere with Eli? She said, “I haven’t seen my daughter in a while. Is anything the problem?” I left her mom’s place and went straight to her house. I asked, “Your uncle had an issue and you traveled with your mom to go and settle it, right? So how come your mother doesn’t know anything about this story?” She sat there looking at me like I was a ghost.” I said, “Eli, we’ve come too far to allow doubts to creep into our relationship. Tell me the truth. You were with him, right?” She didn’t talk. I said, “This doesn’t change anything. I know the story between you both. Maybe you went there to get closure. Maybe there were questions you needed answers to. It’s alright to see him but it’s not alright to lie to me about it.”

She said, “Ok the truth is, I went there to see him. He called when he came to Ghana and as you said, I wanted to see him and get answers.” I said, “Exactly what I want to hear. No problem. So tell me, that day you said you’ve traveled, you spent the whole weekend where you went. That means you spent the weekend with him right?” She screamed, “Why would I do that? Someone that I’m about to get married, why would I stoop so low to spend a weekend with my ex?”

For two days, I coerced this girl to get the truth but she kept telling me she met him on that day only and nothing else. As to where she spent the rest of the weekend, she couldn’t account for it. I withdrew. I stopped picking her calls. I missed some counseling sessions. She came to my place one day, begging me not to do that. I told her, “Eli, I love you too much to allow this to destroy us but if I don’t get the truth, I can’t act normal around you. If you keep hiding the details, this very Sunday, I’ll tell the pastor that we are canceling our wedding.” She said amid tears, “Ok, I went to see him and yes, I spent the weekend with him.” I asked her, “In his house?” She answered, “It was a hotel.” I asked, “Nothing happened?”

She screamed, “How can you even think of such a thing? That I would allow him to sleep with me after everything that happened between us?” I said calmly, “I’m not judging you but everything is possible.” She said, “We slept in different hotel rooms.” I asked, “You swear that nothing happened?” She said, “Sweetheart, I can swear with all my heart. Stop traumatizing me please.” I said, “If you won’t say the truth, you can go but it’s over between us.” She cried and cried as I sat in front of my computer playing games. She said, “I’m sorry about everything. Please forgive me. I didn’t want to do it but he forced me. He gave me a drink and by the time I realized, we were doing it. Please don’t break us apart. I’m really sorry and I will do everything to pay for my sins.”

I thought I was strong enough to handle the truth but when the truth finally came out, I broke down. I couldn’t stand on my own legs. My hand kept shaking and my heart kept beating fast like a running horse.

“Eli, so you can do this to me after everything this guy made you go through?”

“Baby, I’m sorry. It’s the work of the devil. This is not normal. My house witches know something about this.

“You’re your own witch if you can run back into the arms that hurt you. We are done.”

“Nooo don’t do this to me. Let’s call the pastor. Let’s bring him in to pray and advise us. Please don’t take any decision now.”

The pastor came in. He said, “If you can forgive her, the Lord our God would rejoice but if you can’t forgive her, it’s better you let her go than to use her past against her someday. The decision is yours.” I said, “I’m walking away from everything. I can’t go ahead with the marriage knowing everything that I know.” Her mom also came in. She said, “I’m a mother but I can’t ask you for forgiveness for what she had done. I’m ashamed and can’t even look you in the eyes. She’s your own Eli, if you love her that much, forgiveness wouldn’t be too far to fetch.” I said, “I’m walking away.”

Officially I haven’t called off the wedding. In my mind, I want to but in my heart, she’s everything I want in a woman. Ever since we started dating, she hadn’t put a foot wrong. I trusted her with all my being that’s why this breaks me into pieces. They say I should allow time to heal me but I don’t know how long before I get strong again. would it be before the 1st Of May? Should I extend the date and see if I can heal completely and love her again? How long before healing drips into a cracked heart?

She calls me and I pick. We talk like we are ok but both of us are broken. She lives with her mother now because she’s scared to live alone with the voice of her conscience. I’m here, also scared to listen to the voices in my head telling me to forgive and go ahead with the wedding.

—Jude