Lifestyle: 4 definite signs he’s got a small penis

Ladies, can you spot a small guy? We’re often unable to tell the size of a man’s package without taking his clothes off, especially if his jeans create a phantom bulge. But if you really want to become an expert at how to tell if he has a small penis, here are four signs to be on the lookout for.

1. He has a big ego.

A small man has struggled all throughout life knowing he’s the minnow in the vast male ocean, so he’s mastered the art of creating a big ego, creating the illusion that even though he’s a half-pint he’s more valuable than gold. Their skyscraper egos are a result from excelling at the idea of “success.”

These men have extravagant lifestyles, over-the-top cars that the average man with an average size penis could probably not afford, and a big network of friends and connections. He’s a Chihuahua with a Rottweiler bark.

2. He’s a master at oral sex.

Some small men who know how to confront their misfortunes know how to compensate elsewhere — with their tongue. Their tongue is that appetizer trio and three big glasses of water that holds you up through a bad dinner. They’re so good that they go on an excavation quest with your vagina.

They do what a fat kid does with a plate: they wipe it clean with their tongue. If they can deliver well enough with their tongue and get your vagina hot and ready for a rumble, they can stick their highlighter penis inside of you and you won’t even notice you have a Prius parked inside your three-car garage.

3. He never discusses his penis. Have you ever dated a man who was overly anxious to show you the family jewels? He warms you up with the idea that he’s going pull out an elephant trunk or that he’s so brutally hung that he’s afraid you can’t handle it? Your vagina might tighten up and hide in your panties, afraid of the boogie man.

But a small man will NEVER talk about his penis. Why? Men don’t like to talk about things (or shall I say small things) that bother them. Unlike us women who are easily ready to Power Point our flaws, men want to conceal it and put a $5K Persian rug over it.

4. He tries to preach about how “size doesn’t matter.”

He will throw signs and start a fuss over the fact that “size doesn’t matter.” Yeah, right. He knows it does. When a man throws you such line, be on the lookout for what’s coming out of those pants.

They know they were handed a bad card. Mother nature was PMSing the day they came out of their mom and their only defense is to brainwash women who haven’t experienced a big penis.

It’s not the size of the boat that matters but the motion in the ocean. Ladies, I don’t know about you but I’d rather be riding in a yacht than a pedal boat.