Lifestyle: 5 common ways money issues wreck relationships

Talking about money is not particularly sexy—unless you're in a movie and rolling around on stacks of bills (who does that?).

Nonetheless, couples who don't talk about money in an honest and respectful way are often setting themselves up for disaster, as financial troubles and differences are one of the most common conflicts to send a couple to the breaking point.

Are you developing bad habits that could spell doom later on? Here are some typical patterns, and how to keep them from becoming problems in your relationship.

1) Not realizing your own baggage.

Often, we assume that our own ways of dealing with money are correct, and everyone else's are wrong.

That's because it's what we know: our money styles have become so ingrained and natural for us that we just see them as the way to be, not necessarily that they are the fluky results of our own complicated histories.

Do you go on spending sprees when you're upset? Do you make fun of anyone who buys the extended warranty? Can you not settle for anything less than name brands, even when buying cream cheese? Or perhaps you insist on using a spreadsheet for even the most minuscule of spending.

We all have money quirks—there's no limit to the possible ones that can exist. But the odds of our quirks jibing completely with our partners' quirks are very slim.

Take a step back and acknowledge the differences that you and your partner have, and-- even more important-- understand the ways that some of your quirks may not only be related to your upbringing but also might be difficult to live with.

Only then can you work out a method of dealing with them that is—with any luck—healthier than yours or your partner's quirks on their own.

2) Thinking secrets aren't a big deal.

So you bought more clothes than you said you would, and are now hiding them all in a closet. Or you dipped a bit more into joint savings than your partner realizes in order to pay off what you lost on a bad investment.

In these cases, the erosion of trust that comes from the secrecy is potentially more damaging than the original acts themselves. Don't get caught in the slippery slope of financial infidelity.

If you think it's not a big deal to lie about whether something was on sale or not, that may be true—but a more important question is, why do you have to lie in the first place? If you and your partner have an agreement to be completely separate in your finances, that's one thing.

But it's hard to have a long-term relationship without money being intertwined at least somewhat. And so your joint financial goals need to align. The more habitually you do your own thing and try to cover it up after the fact, the more that you undermine whatever joint visions you are working toward as a team.

3) Thinking that compromise can't happen.

It's true that compromise doesn't always work perfectly with money issues: you can't, for instance, buy just half of a new car. But many times, we view the gaps in our money styles as unable to be bridged at all, which can all but eradicate any chance or hope of working toward a mutually agreeable solution.

Avoid thinking in such black-or-white terms as "He's a spender; I'm a saver" or "We'll never see eye to eye on money matters because we're wired so differently."

Such thinking can blind you over time to the possibilities of compromise, which often exist in the gray areas you're ignoring with black-or-white pronouncements.

Instead, keep the possibility of collaboration and compromise close at hand, by starting discussions that search for compromise when you would have shut off the discussion in the past. Often, compromise seems impossible—until you add a little willingness and creative thinking.

4) Viewing money behaviours as character traits rather than habits.

Often, in our minds, money behaviours are completely enmeshed with character traits. For better or for worse, we view a person's style with spending and saving as supremely telling of their character.

If your partner spends over the agreed-upon budget for the month, do you view it as a specific problem to be solved, or do you bemoan the fact that they are lazy, selfish, or careless? If your partner needles you about a purchase even when you had both agreed it was okay, do you view it as something that needs to be discussed, or as an indication that they are a hypocrite who always goes back on their word?

Over-personalizing money styles can make the problem much bigger. When you have a financial issue to discuss, keep it as specific as possible. And try to resist the temptation to turn it into a bigger issue about character, which will only make you more upset and put your partner more on the defensive.

5) Envy.

Even in the strongest of partnerships, and even in ones where all money is joint, jealousy about money can begin to erode the relationship. Maybe you secretly resent how easily your partner got that high-paying job while you have to claw and scratch your way to every freelance gig you book.

Maybe you've always been so mired in student loans that you've frugally taken your lunch to work for eight years, while you know your partner orders takeout with abandon. Or maybe you're simply envious of how your partner doesn't seem to spend any time worrying about money or crunching numbers, whereas it is an ever-present concern in your mind that takes up an enormous amount of mental energy.

Ironically, being so scared that financial envy and jealousy will ruin your relationship may actually help it do so: you've got to acknowledge your feelings so that they don't end up simmering into resentment. The more you try to pretend that everything is a-okay, the less likely you are to initiate a real and honest discussion-- which is the only way you can work toward solving the problem that's causing the jealousy in the first place.