Lifestyle: Confessions - You 'finish am' so what?

Stories abound about how guys are advised not to date some women because other guys have 'used' them. And such stories come with details, picturesque details of how the woman laid like a log while being pounded or how she took charge of the encounter, rocking and conquering her adversaries with profound ease. The stories are not complete without funny tags and names like 'area helper' the woman with the 'continental bowl' from which every man ate.

Sadly, many of these stories are not true. In fact they are made up by 'one minute men' some of whom go like "Oh, this one, I clear am," when in actual fact, he had been dreaming to see, hold and touch the woman but never had the courage to say jack. With their tied tongues for women, and a wave of a feeble hand these braggarts lower the dignities of the women they wished they had but never quite had the quality to manage and out of jealousy they convince their confused friends to check out of the relationship with these women.

At this point, the prospective boyfriend would ask no questions, at least not the important one. He comes to a firm conclusion that there is 'no use for a used woman'. In worse cases, if he persists in dating this woman, it is only to have his own share of the 'national cake'.

But these braggarts and their confused compatriots are not to be blamed. In a society where women are bought at a price, the men have been given unfettered, mostly undeserved right to speak about women and to treat them sometimes with scorn and disdain. It is okay for men to pursue any woman they like and do whatever they please and they are called smart men or play boys. Yet, a woman beats men to their own game are called sluts. The point is women are cautioned too much, lectured to many times, reprimanded and are sometimes subjected to physical and emotional abuse all their lives.

They are made to have low self worth, subjected to ridicule by their parents, friends, relatives and society, especially when attempts at relationships fail. And when a woman is divorced, her situation is even worse. My piece today is not for the adventurous woman who sleeps around with guys.

That's a topic for another day. It is about the naive, innocent woman who out of love is fooled, and in her innocence, used by cowards described as playboys. It is about the woman who genuinely thinks sex is yet another expression of her undying love for the man she is in love with but that innocent thought and action become the grave into which her dignity and self worth are buried for life.

There is one thing these so-called play boys are forgetting. Your worth as a man is not determined by the number of hearts you break or women you sleep with. Many women are fragile inside and many things can make them cry. Even cockroaches and lizards do. But the true test of intelligence is the ability of the man to turn the world of the woman around, turn her sadness into smiles and make her a better human being not a bitter creature.

Maybe the story of Rosalin, Fiifi and Alex will suffice.

Rosalin was what beauty stood for. Her slim figure with her bewitching eyes, seductive lips and soothing voice made her the toast of many men. Yet only few in the neighbourhood dared to approach her and quite frankly they all failed to win her heart.

Rosalin had come to be known in the neighbourhood as the pastor’s daughter who took no nonsense from anyone and was a difficult bough to break. She was like a hurricane, feisty with an ‘I don’t care who you are’ attitude. She paid no attention to the numerous men in the neighbourhood who tried endlessly, yet unsuccessfully to hit on her.

Despite playing hard to get, Rosalin was looking out for the man, the right man who will make her life whole. That man came along and he was Alex. Alex was handsome, witty enterpreneur and looked like the answer to Rosalin's prayer. They looked pretty beautiful together, as if they were made for each other, at least that is what Rosalin thought.

She was in love! Love now has a new meaning. Love was Alex but very few of her close associates were happy with her new found love.

Her friend, Alice raised questions about Alex and the company he keeps. For her, Alex was the type of guy Rosalin should avoid with all her might. Alice believed a decision to date Alex should only be considered after he has been drenched in anointing oil and purged of all his friends.

She feared that Rosalin will be treated just like the other girls have and her story told to everyone who was ready to listen. But Rosalin brushed her fears aside. Of course she was in love and blinded by the feeling it came with. Alice was not alone in the crusade to warn Rosalin to end her relationship with Alex.

Several other ‘concerned women’ in the community raised doubts about her friendship with Alex after they’d seen them together. One woman told her specifically that she shouldn’t be blinded by the fact that Alex comes to church with her. She should pull back and do some checks before and continue only when she was certain that the man she is losing her head over was worth it.

A caution which should have jolted her out of her sleep was not treated with any seriousness and she paid a heavy price for it. It all happened that night! That chilling night. The night her whole world came tumbling down. It was the third month in her jolly relationship with Alex but she wished she had never seen him even for a minute. Her life was over, and quite frankly she thought there was nothing to live for.

She contemplated suicide several times, but a shrill voice deep within her soul kept her going. Her hatred for men soared. And for a whole year, anything with a figure of a man that came close was the trigger of bitterness and hatred.

She never quite gave herself the chance to love again until Fiifi came along. Fiifi was born in the neigbourhood, traveled outside for a while and came back looking responsible and courteous.

Her past with Alex thought her never to trust men again. She never trusted Fiifi even though Fiifi had a gentle soul.

Fiifi did all he could, gave her every reason to trust him but the word trust had been taken off her dictionary and without trust their relationship was quite ordinary.

Several times, he probed to find out why Rosalin was bitter, suspicious and acidic anytime he tried to make love to her but the more he tried, the more Rosalin became even more suspicious.

Fiifi wanted answers but he got insults most of the time. His love for her kept the relationship going until one fine afternoon when the guys in the neighbourhood gathered to watch a football game. Alex was there too.

Apparently Alex and his clique plotted to finish the sordid adventure that turned the life of a lively soul into an acidic one. They wanted Fiifi to break up with Rosalin and therefore told him the whole story of what happened that night.

Instead of watching the game between Manchester United and Chelsea the guys slotted in a video of two people making love. It was Alex and Rosalin. The boys laughed all through, describing Rosalin as a piece of log, hissing and cursing at every groan and every moan from the innocent woman. Alex sat through the whole episode, drinking, laughing and enjoying his lead role in the premiere of what could best pass for a poorly produced local porn movie. It didn't matter how poorly the video was shot and how the images at some point were misaligned.

What was important to Alex was that Rosalin's face was clearly seen. The motive was only to ridicule her and take away her pride and self worth. What is worse, the guys recorded the night on which Rosalin walked in and saw them watching this same video. Fiifi sank into his seat, watched in horror the shock in Rosalin's eyes. How he could literally hear her heart snapped in two. How she was left speechless and how the video knocked every wisp of air out of her lungs. She had no idea Alex had filmed any of their lovemaking sessions.

He then understood why she had become acidic, suspicious and did not trust him. Who would after seeing herself reduced to rags in a sex video, with a bunch of coward looking sex starved men, hissing and laughing all through? Though angry, Fiifi was patient with Alex and his clique. He wanted to find out why any man would want to treat another human being like that. Alex was drunk and never quite bothered about anything.

He narrated everything.

He narrated how the guys in the neighbourhood wanted to teach Rosalin a lesson for being too pompous and playing hard to get.

He disclosed how the plan was hatched and executed right from the church when he borrowed a pen from Rosalin and started what was a fake friendship and a devastating relationship that changed Rosalin's life for good. "Rosalin is not a good woman for you. She is cheap. All the guys here have eaten from her continental bowl" he said in his drunk demeanor.

With those words of hatred Fiifi went close to the TV, stopped the video, took the CD out and headed straight to Rosalin's apartment.

She was about to sleep when Fiifi budged in with the CD in hand. Now I know why don't trust me. I know why you don't trust men. I have seen the video of you and Alex and I have heard the story of your relationship.

Rosalin for the second time was left gasping for air. She didn't want him to find out this way, even though she never had the courage to tell him. She knew Fiifi was angry; she knew her second relationship had come to an end. So many things were running through her mind.

Quietly, she sat in the couch, with her head lowered in shame for the second time. Fiifi walked close to her and lifted her by the arms and gave her a warm hug.

Right before her, he broke the CD into pieces and said to her “That’s your past and that’s exactly where I leave everything that has happened, in the past. I want to be with you, have a future with you and walk this long journey with you and nothing will stop me. Not Alex, his friends or this silly video tape.”

Mine is to make you happy. For that is the most difficult thing any man can for a woman.

With those words, Rosalin lifted her head with confidence for the first time in many months, looked straight into Fiifi's eyes with her bewitching blind bedroom eyes, wrapped her wobbly hands around his head and sank her lips into that of Fiifi in a passionate kiss of life.