Lifestyle: The danger of blame game

Human nature is selfish. We fight for what we need, when and how we need it. If our needs are not met we blame our lovers. We ignore the lump in our eyes and criticise the speck in our lover’s eyes.

When something goes wrong, you have the natural tendency to point a finger at your lover. You think you are right and your lover is wrong. She thinks she is right and you are wrong. Call it the blame game.

How the blame game works

You may see your lover as your problem or solution and think you will be happy if only your lover does what you want. You may think your lover owes you happiness when in fact no one can make another happy.

Your lover says or does something that may not be pleasing to you. It may be a genuine mistake or judgement of error but you focus on the fault and accuse your lover without looking at your part of the problem.

There is blame and defensiveness. Soon the main issue is lost. You bring in past and irrelevant mistakes as you argue on who did what instead of what can be done.

The danger of blame game

You have bad feelings about each other and you compound your problems. You are saddled with the issue and get frustrated with your partner. You put all the faults on your lover and make him or her prime target of blame.

You set yourself up for conflicts which may predispose you to emotional and physical harm. Separation or divorce may follow.

How to stop the blame game

Take responsibility for your part in anything that happens in your relationship. If things go wrong, ask yourself what you could have said or done differently. You are in charge of how you feel and react. Nobody can make you angrier than you can make yourself.

Your lover or issues in your relationship should not run your life because your problems are not caused by your lover but by how you respond to issues in your relationship.

Never shift responsibility to your lover .You can’t change your lover but if you improve your behaviour and attitude, you motivate and inspire your lover to do better.

Accept blame even if the issue may not be your fault. It takes two to fight. Many conflicts will stop with you if you apologise and express diplomatically facts that may make your lover see he or she may be wrong.

Apology is a powerful weapon to diffuse conflicts. It never fuels fire. Avoid saying or doing what your lover hates and which you may regret later.

Talk about real issues in your relationship and make mutual decisions on all important issues in your relationship. Studies indicate that making mutual decisions is what women find most fulfilling in a relationship. If you work as a team, there is little room for blame game.

Cut down complains, criticism and name calling. If there is anything you are not happy about, choose the right place and time to talk about it. Brainstorm and make mutual decisions. You must also not wait for your partner to do something before you act.

Instead, put the focus on yourself and be the burden bearer and not the burden. If you want to be happy in your relationship, first ‘happy yourself’ because your partner does not owe you and can never give you happiness.

Is it easy to stop the blame game?

It is difficult to stop the blame game in a relationship because it is easiest to blame the one you love the most. Your lover, therefore, becomes a prime target of blame. If you want to see faults, your mind’s eye will see whatever your lover does negatively and put your relationship at risk.

Don’t be a victim of your own blame game. Point your finger not to your lover but back to yourself. You alone can fix your own relationship.

God has given you the freedom to be in control of your life. Use it responsibly in God centered choices to build yourself and relate closer to your lover and your maker.

If you refuse personal responsibility for a relationship, you can only make wrong choices and play a blame game.

Take personal responsibility for your relationship. Avoiding blame game is the only way to a fulfilling relationship.