#WhyIRemovedMyRing: My boyfriend asked me to take it off

I started noticing a change in him after I gave birth. Barely one month after delivery, he tried to get intimate with me. I wasn’t in the position for s£x so I said no. He was so bent on having his way with me that night so I suggested other means; “Hand job? BJ?” He said yes to both so we got it going.

For some weeks, it became the norm. He’ll wake me up at dawn and ask to be intimate. When the baby is awake, I will gently decline. He got impatient but there was nothing I could. I had only two hands and couldn’t do so much at a time.

Slowly I healed and was back into the game. This time, he didn’t want intercourse. He wanted head or BJ. Those two satisfied only him so I asked, “What about me?” He answered, “I thought you said you were not fit.” “Yes I wasn’t, but now I am.”

Nothing changed. He’ll wake up at dawn, pick my hand while I sleep and wrap it around his manhood. Mostly, I’ll do nothing. When he pushes for it, I’ll give a lousy hand job but no matter how I did it, he seemed satisfied and ok.

I realized something too…

His gun wasn’t as strong as it used to be. It was mostly hanging in between hard and soft. Even when it got a little bit harder, it didn’t take long for it to bow. I could massage it for several minutes and it will never get hard. I started asking questions; “Man, what’s wrong with you? You hardly can sustain your hardness. What’s the problem with you?” He’ll say, “There’s nothing wrong. It’s just old age.” “Old age? At only 36? What kind of old age is that?”

No matter how hard I tried, this man wouldn’t enter. I thought it was intentional. I thought he was doing that to continue enjoying head and hand jobs. Our baby had learned to walk and had learned to say “Dada” but this dada wasn’t doing what dadas do. I confronted him that night. I told him to get help because I wasn’t going to give where I didn’t receive. He said, “How about me using my hand?”

This is a man I’ve been married to for six years, he knew how much I hated a finger down there so how could he suggest that? I kept telling him to get help but he didn’t care. Someone told me it’s part of a man’s ego. They hate to admit their sexual weakness because accepting that you’re weak sexually takes your manliness away. They rather hide than ask for help. My husband needed help and anytime I brought it up, he brushed it aside. He’ll say something like, “It’s pressure, I will come around again.” Or “It’s as a result of life’s many problems that a man has to face. Don’t worry, it would be ok very soon.”

His continual plea to me not to get worried rather made me worried. Two years later and we still hadn’t done it. He said, “Darling, sex is not everything. Ain’t you happy that we have peace in this marriage?”

“What peace are you talking about? Yes, sex is not everything but it’s something. Absence of sex will always tip the balance so you better get you acts together and get this thing solved before it’s too late.”

I was a woman in distress. Issues of this nature aren’t something you go about discussing with just anybody. The initiative has to come from him and he was not doing anything about it. I bought him medicines from a little research I did online. He would take the medicine for some days and stop. He will complain about having reactions to the drugs.

Maybe I was the problem. He wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do because I was always breathing on his neck. So I decided not to talk about it no matter what. We did another year without a solution to his problem.

Some of us are not built to sulk over issues. We rather talk about it and move on. When I stopped talking about it, it made me bitter. Little things got me angry and I started nagging just about everything. I realized it didn’t make him happy and I was expecting him to do something about it but he didn’t.

Slowly, we hit four years of dead bedroom. He wouldn’t do anything about it so I came to accept my fate. “Fine, whatever he does is up to him. I will continue being his wife as though nothing is wrong.” One day, my husband came home with some herbs. He told me he went to see a herbal man and he gave it to him. I asked about the directions and he told me. I boiled the herbs and prepared it just the way he told me and poured it in a flask for him. He was supposed to take it four times a day so I was always on him, reminding him to drink his medicine.

A week later, he stopped taking the drugs!

“It’s too bitter and smells so bad. I can’t stand it any longer. I will look for another option.”

I thought looking for another option will happen quickly. Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, he did nothing about it.

That broke my heart but to be married is to be able to look forward with hope that good things will happen though you don’t know where they were going to come from.

I posted a photo of myself on my WhatsApp status on January 1st. I was feeling grateful for being able to see another year. That evening, Michael said hello to me. I was so excited to hear from him after a very long while. Michael and I had a thing going on until he ghosted me along the line. I later met my husband and we started dating. That night when he said hello, we couldn’t stop talking.

There were so many questions and answers. One thing was obvious; we were missing each other. When your heart is lonely, it goes around missing things it has no business missing. A few days later, we met. He said I was looking beautiful and I said he was looking awesome. Again, we sat facing each other and drooling over each other. It was obvious the old flames were being rekindled. He asked, “What’s married life like?” I told him, “It’s like everything they warned me about but I can’t complain much. We all have one choice at a time and I’ve made mine so I can only hope.”

That answer came from a deeper place and it was this same answer that lifted the mood of our conversations. He became touchy and I became very responsive to his touches. We were in a public space and had already spent all the time available to us so we reluctantly said our goodbyes and left.

Our conversation took a different turn. It became more of us wanting to be in the arms of each other. I was missing being loved in that manner and he promised to provide that and more so we made an arrangement to meet again. This time, in his house. He said, “Could you do me a favor?” I answered, “Anything for you.” He said, “Please take off your ring when coming.” I answered, “Is that all the favor you want?” He sent me an emoji of a smiling face and I sent the same.

It was an afternoon affair. Suddenly I was feeling like a sixteen year old girl in love for the first time. It was when I knocked on his door that I remembered I had to take off my ring. I hurriedly took it off and put it in my handbag. He came out and pulled me in with a hug.

I don’t know what happened but I started getting scared immediately I sat on his bed. My conscience was so loud and quizzical. It kept drilling me; “So after this what next?“ “Is this going to solve the problem your husband has?” Girl, get up and run before you commit this grievous sin.” He came to sit next to me and started pushing himself over me. He did that for several minutes but I was not responding the way he thought I would. He asked me what the problem was and I said, “I don’t feel right about this. Could we do it another time? It’s like I’m not mentally ready to do this and it’s affecting the way I feel.”

He tried talking me into it but mentally I was off—I was so scared.

He finally let me go after promising him another opportunity very soon. He believed me when I said I will see him soon but to me, it was the last time I was going to see him. Yes, I allowed loneliness to take me that far but I wasn’t going to allow it to consume me.

That evening when my husband saw me he asked, “Why have you removed your ring. Are you tired of the marriage?” Honestly, I forgot to put it back on when I got home and he caught me off-guard but I wasn’t going to be mute so I asked him, “Are we even married? How many years now since you touched me?” He said, “Kindly be patient with me. This time around, I promise I’ll go all the way to get the healing that I need.” I responded, “You better do!”

He started putting in the effort. We visited hospitals together and I encouraged him to take what was given. We are not there yet but there has been a huge improvement and his effort towards recovery had been very massive. I know if we keep on going like this, things will get back to normal and happiness will be restored.

Gina, Ghana

#SilentBeads