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Opinions Thu, 11 Aug 2016

Cape Coast here comes boddooo…

Simpa Panyin, you see what I told you? Bawumia has done his thing again. This time round, he brought the Electoral Commission to his house. The other time I told you that I was unhappy when he used Kaakaamotobi to describe Ghana’s economy, and the annoying thing is that his opponents keep making him so popular.

I don’t know why they, the umbrella people, don’t get it, that the rise and rise of Bawumia is being fuelled by his use of big English, and the spread of such big English by the very umbrella people who wish him fall. They don’t seem to get it, so the man is continuously inventing words, and throwing his invented words to one Anyidoho, and he has always succeeded in catching Koku’s eye.

Koku, times have changed oo. Your father in heaven who died a couple of years ago left you with nothing, so all those who were worshipping you are now those in charge, and so just know that the previous FONKAR man is now boddooo with Opana, and you who used to be worshiped must now come with fear and trembling, do you get me?

A few days ago someone told me that Dr. Bawumia has instructed the former Member of Parliament for Nsuta-Kwanmang-Beposo, Kwame Osei Prempeh, to announce that any person who lives in Ghana, and who knows the kind of poverty we are experiencing, but still goes ahead to cast his vote for Opana, that person will go to hell.

You see him? He even went further to insist that anyone who believes he was created in the image of God should consider all the thieves who have surrounded this Opana man, and consider bringing back the elephant from the bush, thereafter all voters shall proceed to heaven, you get the plan?

But I have found my own plan to stopping his plan. This weekend I will be taking census of all poor people in my village, and I will bus all of them, and we will sit in the bus in waiting for the elections.

On the dawn of December 7, we will drive all my village people to the Togo boarder, and as soon as Auntie Araba declares the opening of the election, we will all throw our votes across the boarder into Ghana, one for zu, the other for za, one by one we will cast all of our votes, and thereafter we would all join the saints going to heaven.

Do you have to associate poverty with hell at all? Have you tasted hell before? Have you even bothered to visit Alistair and Mugabe to know how hell tastes like?

Please Opana is here, he is not gone anywhere, so if you think people should not vote for him, why don’t you say it directly? Why are you trying to bring Christ into this? Or you think Opana fears hell, he doesn’t. Otherwise why would he launch his campaign without a manifesto?

Go to Cape Coast this Sunday and see dry campaign launch. All mosquitoes will be there, and they will feed on nothing.

The two parties, the Umbrella and the elephant, are both hiding their manifestos, accusing each other of theft. The other day Opanana accused Opana of stealing his SADA, and destroying it. He also accused him of stealing his free education and turning it into a distribution of pampers.

I hear Opana has responded that the free education was a quotation from the constitution; it was in his manifesto, except that he did not write it properly. So in the end, Ghanaians are following two important people without knowing what is in their heads, even if they are carrying poisons.

I see trouble in the air, especially after Opana launches his campaign this Sunday. Why not? Launching a campaign without a manifesto is like discharging Kpokpogbligbli patients on the streets, and asking them to intensify their illness, and they will act like double-edged sod, they will cut with both teeth.

And when the Kpokpogbligbli patients are on the streets campaigning, especially when they go without any manifestos, they rape women and blame it on Simpa Panyin, they steal fish and blame it on monkeys, and that is when they will thank Opana for buying them houses and cars even though they bought those houses and cars with their own money, they will present sheep to Simpa Panyin and go on air to announce that they have presented me with cow, and they will be unstoppable, and they will amplify everything Opana has done or has not done, including those days when he needs his privacy, then everything will be out of control.

Then while we waited for the manifesto surprises, Dr Bawumia went on to announce that change is coming, and thereafter the CDD went ahead to release a report to the effect that Ghana hot paa, so all that Bawumia has said is boddooo.

They are lucky that the presidential pardon petition has not matured yet, still warming up on the minds of the Council of State where Ama Benyiwa Doe has a duty to defend the Umbrella.

Imagine that the CDD had released this report a couple of months ago, and this report had landed on the table of Mugabe while Alistair and Ako Gunn have been present? I tell you, the CDD would have been dead already. Like by now Dr Frank Oduro and Professor Gyimah Boadi would have been taking cover under tables and chairs.

How dare you report that an elephant will win this election? Couldn’t you have doctored the report even if your respondents said Opana will lose the elections? Have you forgotten the black sheep white cow theory? They would have opened fire on all those associated with the report, including the enumerators, those in the acknowledgement sections, including those mentioned in the references and bibliography; they would have all had their share of the opened fire.

One of the big things I want to do when I grow up is to establish an electoral commission as a business. Perhaps it is the biggest business in Ghana. This is the only business that you can ask for any amount of money and no one questions you. Parliament sees your budget and they all nod in affirmation, and thereafter yeaaa yeaa!!

But that is not the only reason why I will want to set up a company called Electoral Commission. I will set up my own Electoral Commission so that when I speak no one can speak some. I will write 27 and adjust it with 0, and I will use finger of God to score goals. I will tell the whole world how I have learnt my lessons from finger of God, and after I am forgiven I will go back to finger of God, and I will ask him to show up again in the next election.

My electoral commission will be a smart one. For instance if Georgina ask me to spot all the Togolese on my register and remove them, I will take two steps, one on the left to be boddooo, the other on the right to be an elephant spot, and I will scratch all elephants off the register, next time talk again.

That day, when I heard that 5,000 people have been taken off Simpa Panyin’s register, I wept. Madam, what have you done? You have removed wrong names oo… My people are not Togolese oo, why are you offloading them? Why? Have we wronged you, please just remove the elephants amongst us, and leave the rest of us alone.

Out of 56,000 names that were removed from the electoral register from 275 constituencies in Ghana, a whooping 5,000 were from Winneba alone, how? And over 2,000 of the 5,000 came from Simpa Panyin’s electoral areas, Sankor and Don Bosco, how? Bawumia, where are you? Where are your Togolese voters? Please tell them that you did not speak for us oo, please Winneba is not a boarder town, leave us alone.

In any case I had to do something, so I started to conduct my own investigations. I met a number of affected voters. The first said he has never even registered with the National Health Insurance Scheme. The other one enrolled with the Health Insurance Scheme in 2014, two clear years after the registration was over. Then I met one person who registered when she was 17, but whose name is still on the register, not removed.

You see what Auntie Araba has done, the things she does that earns her a fight with Bawumia? You were asked to remove those who registered with the National Health Insurance card, why do you have to rather remove those who registered with passports and visas?

Columnist: James Kofi Annan