Mr. President, Kalyppo stakes a claim to the Flagstaff House [2]

Flagstaff Search File photo

Sun, 30 Oct 2016 Source: Kwarteng, Francis

By Francis Kwarteng

These detractors also fear Mr. President Kalyppo’s unhealthy choice may further complicate Dr. Steve Mallory’s prognosis.

Dr. Mallory is Mr. President Kalyppo’s private physician who, in turn, moonlights as the publishing editor of Africa Watch Magazine.

“NPP Campaign in Jeopardy: Akufo-Addo Has Cancer,” goes one of Dr. Mallory’s prognoses.

Yet we all know in spite of Dr. Mallory’s negative prognoses, the wobbly political dentures of Mr. President Kalyppo cannot hurt Kalyppo breast-tits.

That is to say, his wobbly political dentures cannot bite. That is why they suckle on the carnal tenderness of Kalyppo straw-tits.

That also explains why he brought in the Serbian and South African mercenaries through the backdoor, reportedly to train partisan terrorists as his forbear did.

Put simply, the solid foundational roots of the wisdom teeth of Mr. President Kalyppo’s detractors cannot bite, let alone make any lasting impact on the dodgy economy.

As a matter of fact it is these tired, slumberous and forgetful political dentures Madam Buhari talked about recently.

It is also why they cannot sell a convincing political manifesto, to win the hearts and minds of the masses, capable of dragging the country out of its economic quagmire.

It is for this grinding failure of political strategy, that Ghana has become a Kalyppo Republic, a country that is more interested in sexual politics than in development economics and development sociology.

That is not to say Mr. President Kalyppo is a dog that must be fed bones. He is a man, a Kalyppo made of the scandalous bones of “All-Die-All-Die” and “Yen Akanfuo.”

Rather, he deserves a Kalyppo farewell than the anonymous grave of Shakespeare. No wonder his detractors, both within his own ethnocentric party and without, think his excessive consumption of Kalyppo is most likely to give him transient tachypnea of the newborn. Yet, he also deserves busts of fresh air outside the political claustrophobia of his mock coffin. Now Mrs. President Kalyppo tells her husband:

“He is yet to tell me but I have decided as his wife, that if things continue like this up to 2019, I will not go out and campaign and ask any woman to vote like I did before. I will never do it again.”

But he has never been there yet let alone run for the next elections. What do you think?

Tabloid gossip: Food for thought

They say Mr. President Kalyppo is a legal luminary, a learned public figure without a law certificate, without the benefit of a law school, an absence of a law certificate which is only as good as Mr. Youthful President’s Russian education. No wonder judges barter justice for tubers of yam.

Another rumor goes that Mr. Youthful President is an unlearned public figure with a certificate from the University of Ghana. No wonder the Russians are messing up Aleppo, the manufacturing birth-site of Mr. President Kalyppo. No wonder the racist South African Gandhi has found a home at the University of Ghana.

All these rumors do not take account of Mr. President Kalyppo’s looking in the mirror of Ayi Kwei Armah’s “The Beautyful Ones Are Not Yet Born” and hating the image he sees there. He wants to go for cosmetic surgery, to turn him into a political pizza called Mr. Ayaricough.

Mr. Ayaricough, one of Mr. Mr. President Kalyppo’s closet political pallbearers, now claims his nagging cough has resolved into a “slip of the tongue,” this, when it came up that he had spent six million US dollars on his political campaign thus far. He presented with a “slip of the tongue” when the Economic and Organized Crime Office (EOCO) came knocking on his door, to seek answers.

Now, since Mrs. President Kalyppo cannot be found, Mr. President Kalyppo may as well marry Akua Donkor for a change. The two then may partner for the general elections.

It goes without saying, then, that cross-dresser Nketia cannot use age to bar Mr. President Kalyppo from taking part in the general elections, even as his anorexic configuration makes him an older cynosure of public gossip, of banter.

In the meantime cross-dresser Nketia’s lean, dried, smoked-herring physique is itself the butt of a joke.

The fate of the wobbly political dentures of Mr. President Kalyppo

Here is Madam Aisha Buhari, Mrs. President Kalyppo:

“The president does not know 45 out of 50 of the people he appointed and I don't know them either, despite being his wife of 27 years…Some people are sitting down in their homes folding their arms only for them to be called to come and head an agency or a ministerial position…”

Political and conjugal betrayal, some say of her rhetoric forthrightness. She was talking about the Ayem Mafia that has taken over Mr. President Kalyppo’s ethnocentric party. This Akyem Mafia represents his wobbly political dentures which are already buried deep in his mock coffin.

It is this same Akyem Mafia that nearly succeeded into chasing the elephant of duopolistic ethnocentrism into the bush, to a state of permanent opposition, of atrophied political presence.

Yes, when the mask of Mr. President Kalyppo’s finally comes off, only then will it reveal the crooked face of humanity waiting outside the corridor of power, to give the people a repeat of the same political gimmicks and hypocritical songs his political detractors have been feeding the people.

Our duopoly represents these wobbly dentures of political and moral inaction. And it is the same wobbly political dentures Mr. President Kalyppo is going to use to sweet-talk his way to the presidency.

Any political woman who has had Mr. President Kalyppo suckle at her Kalyppo straw-tits knows for sure, that popular sovereignty is going to hand him her Gräfenberg spot on a silver platter. Perhaps more important than anything else, our entrenched kleptomaniacal democracy and cyclical political buffoonery revolve around this schadenfreude duopoly called the Gräfenberg spot.

This schadenfreude duopoly in turn feeds on a tickling sensation derived from technocratic ignorance, bureaucratic bottlenecks, de-conscientiztion of the collective consciousness, lack of knowledge of the self, mass poverty and illiteracy, political corruption, impunity and stifling of moral nudation.

In fact, our Ghanaian duopoly has different names but it is the same monster wearing those different nominal addresses. They are all vying for the Flagstaff House, the headship of Kalyppo.

These wobbly political dentures are shared between Mr. Youthful President and Mr. President Kalyppo, as they do in relay races, without regard for the transmission of political germs.

No wonder political ephebiphobia, moral sissification, and emotional adulcentrism/adultism are at the center of our stationary though sealed political-economic concentrism.

We seem to lack a sense of direction insofar as the political geometry of our collective destiny is concerned.

This mock coffin—which harbors the bug of body dysmorphia which Mr. Youthful President intends for Mr. President Kalyppo’s genetic consumption—has become a spoken metaphor for anarchy, underdevelopment, ethnocentrism, intolerance, ethnocracy, ethnic chauvinism, and outright rejection of public order. It is this haunting partisan mock coffin Rev. Owusu Bempah sees in his drunken dreams and thinks some green ogre-assassins are after Mr. President Kalyppo.

What a Kalyppo Republic!

Perhaps, this is why we seem to remain in the same place yet moving in concentric circles to nowhere.

Food for thought

A viable third force is required to do away with the trite partisan duopoly which Kalyppo Republic’s Fourth Republic ushered in at the dawn of its electoral politics. This dispensation is long overdue.

One of the primary reasons being that the two major political parties are more alike than they are dissimilar in their management of Kalyppo Republic. This may also partly explain why Kalyppo Republic finds itself in a revolving crying-state of developmental limbo, crushing under the Sisyphean weight of bureaucratic ineptitude, official slothfulness, and public corruption.

But, alas, the citizens of Kalyppo Republic are partly to blame for this state of affairs as they have consistently failed to provide the necessary critical mass required to overturn any semblance of duopoly.

Mass poverty and illiteracy, indoctrination and pollution of the popular mind, superstition and ignorance, corruption, sycophancy, un-patriotism, and the like have all conspired to entrench this schadenfruede duopoly in the body politic of Kalyppo Republic.

Democracy, freedom (of speech, press, and association), and electoral politics have all become convenient avenues to anarchy, underdevelopment, nihilistic hopelessness, quick enrichment, disregard for public decency, free range (open defecation), religionism, galamsey and galamsey-related pollution of lands and waters and forests, armed robbery, and uncompromising pursuit of materialism.

Hard work, patriotism, respect of the law and for one’s neighbor, and delayed, or deferred, gratification, collective responsibility, and conscientization are not longer facets of our social ethos and eidos.

Instead, we have allowed bystander apathy to imprison the public conscience and to allow society to degenerate into a civilization of moral bankruptcy.

Our kind of schadenfreude politics, unfortunately, lends itself to these anti-social social forces behind the scheming perpetuation of the status quo.

Change, which must be seen as a constant motif of the richness of the human condition and existence, is the only viable riposte to this societal rot of moral standards.

But that change must not leave one corrupt hands in another corrupt hands. Change, must surely constitute itself into a facet of substantive underpinnings of a patriotic conscience. It takes a critical mass of conscientization to bring about a revolution of patriotic conscience in the push for change.

This is sentiment of moral responsibility is the province of popular sovereignty which, alas, the politicians of Kalyppo Republic are easily able to buy off in their uncompromising push for the entrenchment of partisan incumbency.

Closing remarks

Mr. President Kalyppo may not be a demagogue in the likeness of Donald Trump but he is sure as hell, a conning political mannequin with his trademark Locally Acquired Foreign Accent (LAFA), an instrument of rhetorical feint the citizens of Kalyppo Republic are captivated by.

This Mr. President Kalyppo’s foreign accent syndrome (FAS) is very strange indeed, a strange phenomenon that appears to occur only in the Akyem-Aleppo part of Kalyppo Republic, the other birthplace of Mr. President Kalyppo. It is painfully disappointing when the virago-like Mr. President Kalyppo’s working memory cannot distinguish between September 7 and December 7, both of 2016.

Citizens of Kalyppo Republic usually measure intelligence by how much fluent and linguistically, or grammatically, sophisticated an individual is. Grammar and intelligence seamlessly resolve into oneness in Kalyppo Republic though we know this relational equivalency is not always the case.

It has not occurred to these citizens that, it is also possible such persons may be relying on fluency and linguistic sophistication to cover up their serious deficiencies in other areas of human endeavor, from the standpoint of rational pragmatism and political empiricism, both however viewed outside the ideological circumference of doctrinaire inflexibility and fawning sycophancy.

Thus, human agents of rhetorical fluency and linguistic sophistication may be mere articles of mouthpieces trying to project cognitive inferiority and technocratic deficits, as it were shrouded in the mystery of flowery, exotic articulation in the public space.

Even those with powerful visions of technocratic patriotism, coupled with rhetorical fluency and linguistic sophistication, are eventually swallowed up by the omnipresent cyclone of public corruption. None in the contemporary political dispensation of Kalyppo Republic therefore appears immune to this canker.

Implied in the penultimate paragraph is the overriding truth that neither Mr. President Kalypo nor Mr. Youthful President is exempt from this generalization, of the normative indictment of mortal fallibility. This view, we believe, should make for a sustained dialectical cynosure meant exclusively for electorate contemplation!

The devil, namely the lesser of two evils, they say, is in the details. On the other hand Mr. President Kalyppo’s public intentions to stake a claim to the Flagstaff House, Mr. Youthful President and his supporters say, will be consummated only after the final burial of his mock coffin. Could this augury be true? We will never know for sure except to remind all and sundry to wait and see!

Need we say more?

End of series!


BBC Africa. (October 14, 2016). “Nigeria's President Buhari: My Wife Belongs in Kitchen.” Retrieved from http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-37659863

Connor Gaffey. (October 14, 2016). “Nigeria’s First Lady: I May Not Back Husband Buhari At Next Election.” Retrieved from http://www.newsweek.com/nigerias-first-lady-i-may-not-back-husband-buhari-next-election-509835

Ghanaweb. “Ghana Votes On September 7? Alleged 'Slip' By Akufo-Addo Sets Social Media Ablaze.” October 27, 2016.

Columnist: Kwarteng, Francis