Overcoming the fears of becoming a step-mother

When I asked a few single ladies whether they would marry a man who already has a child or children, most of them were hesitant to say a straight yes or no, saying.

“It depends,” was the most common response. Some women won’t even hear of marrying a man with a child.

In fact, a one Regina Nalujja pointed out that it depends on several issues.

Whether it is just a child or children, whether the man kept it a secret or came out in the open in the first phase of their relationship, and of course, issues surrounding the child’s mother.

But for Olivia Mbalire Mukisa, 29, it took a lot of convincing to soften her to take up her husband’s child.

“Before we even started dating, I knew my husband had a child, but it never occurred to me that I would ever marry him. We used to go to the same church, and we were friends, but I didn’t know he was interested in me, until about four years later, when he asked me out,” Olivia Mbalire Mukisa, 29, says.

A little into their relationship, Geoffrey Mbalire proposed, but still Olivia wasn’t sure she wanted to live with a man who already had a child. “I needed someone who would love me with their undivided attention, and him having a child made me feel like we would be struggling for his attention, and definitely, that would be putting me in second place on his list of priorities,” she explains.

She had also grown up with a step mother who was a good to her, so people encouraged her that a step child shouldn’t stand in the way of being with the person she loved.

“Although most of my friends, however, were opposed to the move, today I am glad I made the decision,” she says.

But things weren’t as swift after the wedding as Olivia expected.

“Previously, the girl was living with Geoffrey’s mother, but after the wedding, he wanted her to start staying with us, a thing I wasn’t ready or even willing to do. Whereas he insisted on bringing her home, I insisted that I couldn’t live with her, and this shook our relationship, to the point that our parents and church committee had to intervene.”

“We eventually decided to give it time, for each of us to adjust to the situation. Time came when I felt I was ready to live with her and he brought her home. This healed our strained relationship, and for three years now, I am trying to be a good stepmother.”

Ali Male, a relationship counsellor, advises that, “As a step mother, you need to understand that the children are human beings and are innocent in all this.”

Don’t try to replace their mother, “especially if the child/children are old enough.” Because truth is, it doesn’t easily happen. So don’t be over bearing and clingy for them to treat you like you are. Just treat them right, rebuke them when need be, and don’t throw negative comments about their mother, whether deceased or alive. If you have any issues with her, talk to your man, not the children.

Counsellor’s take

According to Ali Male, a relationships counsellor, dealing with being a stepmother is a process. “One moves through stages beginning with fantasy; where they think everything will be fine, to conflict; when they start realising the challenges associated with the situation, then explosion where there is either open conflict in the relationship or with the children or internal conflict, depending on one’s personality.”

Among the questions you have to ask yourself is; will I be able to respect and appreciate the special bond the child shares with their father?

During the time the couple start dating, you should know that he has a child/ children. But don’t wait to meet them after moving into their father’s house. Rather, meet, initiate and develop a relationship with them over time.

However, don’t force them to like you, just be good. In this case, their age will affect their reception of you. “Infants are innocent and can always be manipulated; so it gets simple for them to adjust. For those who are a little grown up, more time is needed for them to adjust. But if the children are adults, then a negotiation kind of approach is needed,” Male says.