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By Kwesi Atta Sakyi
(This is a work of art and fiction mixed with some facts. Nobody should take it serious but only to read and enjoy)
I wish all readers of my article a Happy New Year full of love, joy, peace, good health, abundant wealth and all the good things the good Lord bestows on his people who are faithful.
Rabelais, a French philosopher, once said that marriage is such an institution that those who are in it wish to get out and those who are out wish to get in.
I wonder whether it was the case of a hot kitchen or Ogyakrom whereby the ex-General advised all those who felt stymied by the hot kitchen to get out before they got roasted (Referring to those Ghanaian residents who did not feel comfortable under the ruling NDC government to vote with their feet by leaving the country for greener pastures).
Can we say the same thing about politics and politicians? No! Politics is addictive such that those who are in it wish to dig and burrow in deeper so as to make giant buck kills.
And they say the vulture is a patient bird because the other predators and scavengers cannot finish off the entire carcass all by themselves, especially if the whale of a kill is elephantine.
The patient vulture will eventually have its turn to tug at the entrails, perhaps having the best parts and the last laugh.
Politics in Africa has become poly-tricks, so lucrative and big time business such that some people can afford the luxury to invest their entire life playing potluck with it and waiting for eternity for the dividends and returns.
Those who hit jackpot use their political clout and leverage to create, loot, and share the spoils with their kith and kin, cronies, and tribesmen.
This blanket observation may not of course apply to the whole gamut of politicians.
Go to Tanzania and you will find the president, Dr Magufuli, making the news headlines in his implacable zero tolerance to corruption.
Nana Akufo Addo has already fired a warning shot that he will not superintendent over corruption and that if you want to make it into his government to get rich; you had better get lost by getting out as fast as you got in. He says he will not brook corrupt elements.
Machiavelli in his book The Prince about 450 years ago opined that political power is like a fishing net which can catch all types of fish, big, small, flat, long, and short, among others.
Metaphorically, he implied that political power will get you access to all forms of material comforts and luxuries. Is politics about service to the people or about self-aggrandisement and self-appeasement?
Before Nana won the elections held on 7th December 2016, I had had a dream. In my dream, I dreamt that I was standing in the midst of nowhere in a large expanse of sandy desert which looked like the Sahara Desert.
From nowhere, I heard a heavy rumbling sound like heavy bombs exploding, and like a thunderous and exploding thunderclap.
The ground around me started to quake, and the tremble and vibration made me feel as if I was in an epileptic fit, or I was riding a jalopy or boneshaker trotro from Awoshie in Accra to Abeka Junction.
As the quake continued, there suddenly emerged a short man on the scene clad in a bluish great overcoat with a white undercoat, black trousers and red hat.
I thought he was Father Christmas or Santa Claus until I remembered the colours were NPP colours. My mind was also cast back to Washington Irving’s Rip Van Winkle and the dwarfs playing the game of nine pins, and whose wine had made Rip Van Winkle sleep for 20 years, and on waking up, he thought he had slept for only a day.
He woke up with amnesia, lethargy, a bald head, tattered clothes, and a rusted Dane gun whose wooden butt had been eaten badly by termites.
As I was narrating, the short man found himself sheltering under a massive umbrella or parasol or canopy. He assured me that nothing was going to go amiss so I should keep my cool.
I was distraught and tense, apprehensive of what was going to happen. He told me to witness and take careful note of what was going to happen.
From nowhere, a spotless white bird appeared on the scene and handed a small blue book to the short man.
The book had a list of cabinet appointees. Heading the list was the name of Honourable Kofi Kyikyidoodoo as Minister Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary, MP for Ekumfi North.
Minister of Sanitation and City Beautification was Dr Dokono Fa Nda Po, followed by Mrs Osuro Wu Nso as Minister of Gender Affairs. Mr Freeman Aprapraansa Abblordepey Da Costa was designated as Minister of Tribal Integration and Media Policing, among others.
As the bird flew away, the ground in front of me burst open and the dust shot up into the air as if there was a whirlwind or eddy.
As the short man gave a running commentary of the unfolding events, he suddenly stopped his chatter and some darkness settled upon the place.
Then from the light provided by intermittent flashes of lightening, I saw emerging from the ground a mammoth beast from down under. The dust which gathered from the erupting beast was blue in colour.
Suddenly, I heard the voices of thousands of unseen spectators shouting, “ Osono Kokoroko, Osono Blue no epegya no ho so. Buei!, buei!, buei!, Osono Kokoroko no reb3sore ooooooooooo! Muntie, Muntie, Ghanafuor eei, Muntie no”
It was an elephant, Osono Kokoroko, which had lain buried for eight years in solitary confinement and internment.
The elephant was clad in red earth and it looked dehydrated and famished. As soon as it came to, it took off in astonishing speed towards a huge river which the short man told me was Ferew (Volta) River.
It started licking and lapping the water in the great river until the water bed was as dry as skeleton crossed bones.
Suddenly, from nowhere, the whole place became forested and it looked green and verdant as it is in the Bono (Brong Ahafo) area near the game reserve on the border with Cote d’ Ivoire.
When the elephant urinated, it caused devastating floods in areas of Accra such as Sodom and Gommorrah, Russia, Agbelemkpe, Odododiodio, and other places on the Afram Plains, Bia, and the Oti Plains.
When the elephant sneezed, the resultant fog was twice foggier than the usual Harmattan fog.
The ensuing fog caused incoming flights to KIA (Kotoka International Airport) in Accra to be diverted to neighbouring airports while outgoing flights were either rescheduled or cancelled.
When the elephant pooped, its dropping was enough to fertilize all the farms in Ghana, such that it caused an unusual bumper harvest in the country.
When the elephant farted, party cadres collected the aroma to make sweet-smelling perfumes for sale to the rich. When the elephant mated, it was streamed on Netflix worldwide and it earned Ghana millions of dollars in royalty as well as causing a surge in tourist attraction and arrivals.
Some quack pastors collected some Osono urine and peddled it as holy water. They even put it on the internet for sale and claimed that a sprinkle of Osono holy water could cure all physical and mental diseases including AIDS, Cancer, Craw craw, Eczema, Leprosy, Dementia, Amnesia, Parkinson’s disease, Infertility, Impotence, Madness, and Insomnia.
For all the good things the elephant bestowed on the country, the short man in my dream decided to honour it by causing its effigy to be put on newly minted coins.
On the tail of the coin was embossed two intertwined triangles representing the Star of David, and on the head was an elephant leaning against a palm tree.
The six-pointed star represents the black Jews or the black priests of ancient Egypt.
There was a hole in each coin to allow stringing the coins and hanging them around the necks of people and the neck of the elephant, Osono Kokoroko.
The hole represented flexibility, tolerance, portability, as well as caution or prudence or the positive aspect on the one hand, and on the other hand, concupiscence on the negative part.
The palm tree is a symbol of strength and utility while the elephant also represents strength and wisdom.
The short man decreed that henceforth the elephant would be the effigy to be mounted on the tallest structure in each city, town, district, village, and hamlet throughout the land. \
He also decreed that the tallest structure should not be less than thirty stories high. The elephant would be made of gleaming brass of the finest quality.
He said that he being royalty, he would mount the tallest structures to address the masses at all his rallies and public fora.
He awarded a humongous contract to Apostle Engineer Osorba Kadanka at Mpoha Township for him to devise an ingenious lever and pulley system which will take him to the summit of the tall structures while simultaneously it would lower the effigy of the Osono Kokoroko.
In Accra alone, there were thousand billboards of Osono Kokoroko and twelve tall structures erected at Black Star Square, Palladium, Alajo, Adabraka, Mallam, Nima, Kaneshie, James Town, Aboso Okai, Nungua, among others.
On the day of his inauguration, the short man caused the elephant to be given a thorough scrubbing and it was bedecked in royal livery made of the best silk and velvet.
Atop its head was placed an ornate golden crown which gleamed in the sun and had the insignia, ‘Rex Nugget Non-frontum, Pax Ghanaiensis et Kofianus, Anuus Mirabeles Pacimus cum Thabo Mbecus’.
The short man said that the inscription was a kind of telegraphic Latin and it translated into something like ‘King of the Black Portenders or Potentates, wishes peace to Ghanaians in a difficult year of peace initiatives by Kofi Annan and Thabo Mbeki!
Whatever that meant, he said it would need a professor of Classics of the old school to unravel the meaning.
The short man himself dressed up as an Indian Satrap or Raja with a huge red turban and plumes of colours of NDC and NPP in fine feather plumes jutting out of the turban.
He wore a golden flowing gown and a lot of gold chains. From nowhere appeared a golden chariot with twelve white horses drawing the royal carriage.
A huge umbrella, bedecked in the colours of all the political parties, covered the chariot as if the chariot was not enough cover.
The umbrella had effigies of all the losing political presidential aspirants to signify a spirit of inclusivity and embracing all in a rainbow coalition.
Unbeknown to the short man, Osono Kokoroko had sent telepathic messages through his network in Africa to invite all animals to the swearing in and the inauguration ceremony in Accra; whereupon the elephants in the countries where invites were sent also in turn filtered down the information on their social media to all the animals in the animal kingdom.
Planeloads of different animals and human passengers disembarked in their numbers at KIA.
The airport officials went berserk as they did not know any IATA or ICAO or UN conventions at Berne or Geneva or Ottawa governing animal passengers.
Zoologists, animal minders, snake charmers, and circus operators were suddenly in short supply in Accra.
It was a circus and a menagerie! All Accra was in a jim-jam, pandemonium, anarchy and utter chaos as an assortment of animals, vehicular traffic, and pedestrians competed for space on the streets of Accra as they trundled and sped past. Indeed it was a bedlam.
All the animals wanted to witness the inauguration live without seeing it streaming or trending on social media such as Twitter, You Tube or Facebook.
There were animals of different shapes, sizes and hues never witnessed before in Ogyakrom.
Hippos, giraffes, monkeys, lions, crocodiles, zebras, rhinos, cheetahs and all manner of animals were in their multitudes in Accra for the inauguration.
Each animal by their peculiar traits and style represented an African President. An onlooker remarked, ‘What a circus of the Good, the Bad, and the Worse!’ Some chop-bar dealers sent text messages to hunters and animal trappers throughout Ghana that there was business galore in Accra.
They forgot that the animals had all been accorded full diplomatic accreditation and immunity from being exploited.
They had been fully insured and covered by various UN Conventions. Besides, some BNI, FBI, CIA and CID agents had been assigned to cover each animal in Accra for the inauguration.
The PM of India sent his emissary with a precious gift. So also were received several hundreds of gifts and messages from the leaders of about 200 countries of the world.
Then the moment of truth dawned for the president-elect to deliver his debut or maiden speech before a variegated concourse of humanity at the Black Star Square.
In his speech, he thanked his predecessor and commended him for his leadership style of being adamant, contumacious, obstreperous, intrepid, intransigent, obdurate and above all sagacious in stating that he was like an assassinated goat at Christmas, and as such he feared not even the sharpest knife or mental scalpel.
He went on to say that he will be a president for all Ghanaians irrespective of political colorations or affiliation, and that during his tenure, he will ensure that every Ghanaian will eat fish/chicken and chips three times a day, irrespective of age, gender, height, colour, tribe, among others.
At that point in his speech, some women in the crowd started shouting, ‘Ga nyo bi. Ga mashie. Ga nyo bi waa d3nky3. Ga kome k3 kpakpe shito!’
Apparently, Nana was born and bred in Accra but spent considerable time schooling in UK at Lancing College where he sat for his Ordinary and Advanced Level certificate examinations.
Nana went on to state his resolve that he will clean the airport and passport office environs of leeches, hangers-on, foot-soldiers, cadres, and Goro Boys.
In the midst of his speech, some party informants came running to the scene and they handed the president-elect a note.
The note stated that all the Goro Boys and hangers-on had already migrated from the airport and passport offices and moved west to relocate to Lavender Hill where the rotten dumpsite had suddenly and miraculously metamorphosed into a golden mountain named as Sierra Del Oro (Mountain of Gold) which the Goro Boys had corrupted and rechristened as Salah del Goro!
All the Galamsey boys despoiling the Birim and Offin river basins had deserted their haunts and also had trooped to and swarmed Accra Lavender Hill in their numbers such that property prices in the area had skyrocketed overnight.
In his speech, the new president promised that he was not going to build castles in the air but rather a huge international airport on the Atlantic Ocean near Accra like the one in Dubai, Hong Kong, or Sydney.
In conclusion he said that if he had seen further than other people, it was because he had been standing on the shoulders of Gentle Giant, JAK, Junior Jesus, JJR.
He further said on a lighter note that he would consult JDM to teach him a few tricks of his abracadabra in conjuring project acronyms such as STX, SADA, YES, SSSS, GYEEDA, NYEP, ISOTOFON, among others, at which JDM replied with a banter, ‘You old man know these things already such as RC (Rawlings Chain), HIPC, KG (Kufuor Gallon), HOTELWAAWAA, ADBD (All Die Be Die)!’
As the new president’s convoy left for his residence at Mamprobi, some spectators started shouting, ‘Mr Promisedent! Mr Promisedent! ‘, and waving passionately, thinking it was a compliment. Notwithstanding, he waved them back to acknowledge their enthusiasm and goodwill.
As the new president was about to enter his limousine, one of his aides, against all protocol, handed him a note which said a number of delegations were waiting for him in his residence, comprising four powerful delegations of chiefs and eight foreign delegations from the private sector in China, India, South Korea, USA, Netherlands, Italy, Germany, and Netherlands.
They were waiting for him at his residence to have audience for some business collaborations, proposals, PPP/BOT, and to cut some deals because after all, it was payback time.
The chiefs ostensibly had an axe to grind with Nana for not having their prominent sons and daughters awarded positions of eminence in the cabinet. Apparently, all the external delegations had their MOUs ready for negotiation and signing.
One external group said they had solutions to Ghana’s unemployment problem as they would boost Ghana’s oil output by extracting oil from grass.
Another group said they would turn the water hyacinth choking the lakes and rivers into paper processing and kill two birds with one stone by clearing the water ways to boost water transport.
There was a group which proposed that they were waste or garbage conversion experts as they would turn Ghana’s garbage into pure gold through a process known as aurigarbometamophorlurgy through a reverse carbon crystaldistillation process.
Yet another group said they would turn Ghana into the food basket of Africa by introducing a new form of agriculture known as nanorganoaquaponics whereby microscopic clones of seeds of all crops would be grown in water media such as the sea, lakes and rivers.
They claimed it was the most efficient, effective and economic form of yield and cost per unit.
One specialist group said they were interested in reclamation of land from the sea and they would build dykes and sea defences in Sekondi and Keta to create land for estates and industrial enclaves.
They said they would create so much land that the Land Guards in Accra will become unemployed and they will cease to exist.
The other delegation which came from one of the EU countries said they were specialists in the construction of tunnels for metro mass transit and they proposed the construction of massive underground networks of tunnels throughout Ghana to ease transportation.
The last group from Asia said they would set up micro-chip, cell-phone, and computer manufacturing plants in Ghana and deploy all the Sakawa boys to become Hackathlons and Nerds who would help the government monitor internet traffic and deal with drug dealers, fraudsters and criminals throughout the world by using the company’s super-computers.
Ghana will become the crime-busting headquarters of the world as they will monitor with special drone and satellite cameras all cities and towns in the world. That will create 24/7 jobs for millions of youths in Ghana.
Even retirees will be recalled to work. Ghana will become like Robert Owen’s Utopia and William Blake’s paradise.
When Nana arrived at his house in Mamprobi in a noisy convoy from the Black Star Square, he found out that the old civilian guards had been changed without his consent.
His gateman who hailed from the northern part of Ghana had been relieved of his post and in his place stood a posse of fierce-looking battle-dressed commandos from units of the Ghana Armed Forces (GAF), looking sharp and totting hideous weapons.
They looked austere, severe, stern, off-putting but very professional.
Nana’s now unemployed civilian guard ran up to him and said in broken Twi, ‘ Maasa, f3 adiye3. Ba no de3 yafa nsa mienu nan mienu yafa to ba papaapa. Walahi, talahi, Northfuor to ba papaapa. Mankasa meni yageni. Woafa gum gum N-PEEPI nkotoo. Kai walahi, talahi.
Woy3 Upper Easst oooo, Upper Wise oooh, wom to ba b3b3reee. NPP kasa way3 Northern Pepeni Paaati ampa. Way3 Ntafuor Party Papa but NDC way3 Wayo Jibiti Paati. Haba maasa, woya adie3 papa ankasha ankasha. Chei, walahi talahi” Nana waved him off and proceeded to greet some of the visitors waiting.
Nana laughed, shook his head and waved him aside. He made a beeline towards an old time friend whom he knew way back in London. He had come to pay his tribute and homage. He had a lot of ideas to share with Nana.
He advised Nana to start raising funds by painting commercial houses in Accra and regional capitals in NPP colours and charging for such services. He said it will raise a lot of money for government coffers and help to pay off Ghana’s debts.
He said he had seen it work in other countries and it was better than painting buses at the cost of a public scandal which had caused such a media furore and kerfuffle.
He advised Nana to sell Diaspora Bonds as done in India to raise huge sums of hard currency for undertaking government development projects.
He also advised Nana to launch a saving campaign in Ghana to encourage Ghanaians to undertake long-term savings by investing in bonds and shares.
As Nana went round greeting his visitors, a group of drunk and partying party cadres of the NPP arrived from nowhere in two taxis shouting and singing Ghana patriotic songs. They were about ten in number. They were having long draughts from their Club and Star beer bottles. They made their way to Nana and boasted that they had given some antagonistic journalists a raw hiding and a run for their money by making them frog-jump, do press-ups, roll-ups and forced them to do community service by making them clean some of the dirtiest gutters and drainages in downtown Accra.
They said some of the bad egg journalists were Kookoo Eyedohunu, Burnt Emptyhead Epsonsalt, Margrant Jackpot Jakpa, Kwasia Plank, among others. They said they were looking for Mo Garban and Lieutenant Coakroach Kokonsa who were still at large.
Nana warned them and said they should refrain from taking the law into their hands. So said, he dismissed them with a clap of his hands.
They said they were sorry and would ask Pastor Mansa Kontomire to pray for them for forgiveness and remission of sins.
One of Nana’s aides came to him and presented him with a note from NEC (National Executive Committee) of NPP. In the note, NEC pleaded that journalist Kookoo Banku should be rewarded as Minister of Cockcrow Affairs.
They also proposed that Honourable Afamwa Maakye of Futufutu Constituency should be made Presidential Spokesman. NEC also proposed that the writer of this article, Dr Koose Attram Salaki should be made the resident director of the Comedians Association of Ghana (CAG).
They observed that the said doctor had the right jabs to cause laughter among Ghanaians and make them forget their suffering, thereby paving the way for achieving government objectives without resistance.
The said doctor will inject everybody with the right dosage of laughing gas, willy-nilly.
As Nana mingled with the guests, the Ghana Army Band struck an old Ramblers tune which goes like:
“Me do wo s3 nia wo te yi ara, s3 nea Onyame bo wo yi ara,
Wo mfomso na wo suban nyinara ekyi no, me do wo s3 nea wo ti yi ara”
The mellifluous and melodious music was sung in Akwapim-Twi.
As Nana got into a light mood drinking some champagne and dancing with the First Lady, Madam Rebecca, he called his two beautiful daughters and asked them to make their wish lists. The eldest presented a list thus:
1. A swanky house in East Legon with no Mosquito within 30 miles radius
2. Two weeks’ holiday in Dubai in the Burj el Arab at 7000 dollars a day
3. A Fokker private jet
4. A golden bed
5. A Lincoln Escalade car
The second and last born also presented her list thus:
1. An MBA programme at Harvard Business School
2. A white spotless horse
3. A collection of all the novels of J.K Rowling
4. 2000 pairs of crocodile leather and cobra/python leather shoes
5. 1 container full of Cadbury-Schweppes Chocolates
6. 1container full of cosmetics and perfumes
6. 10 years free subscription to sauna clubs, free internet access, free access to gymnasiums, and hair salons in Paris.
7. A hybrid Tesla Ford car
When Nana got the list, he shoved it into his wallet and decided to teach his daughters some Spartan humility, simplicity and frugality.
When I woke up from my dream, it was 4:15 in the morning and the BBC was doing a programme from their archives by reading some of the late Alistair Cooke’s Letters from America and those of Elizabeth Ohene. I wanted to apply to be writing in the same genre but I realised I was not a trained professional journalist like the veteran Ghanaian journalists such as Manasseh Azure, Ajoa Yeboah Afari, Anas Amereyaw Anas, and Yeboah Ayeboafo, among others. I was an amateur freelancer. I kept thinking about my dream and what it portended. Well, it was just a dream.
If my cousin Kwesi Mintah lays his hands on this article, he will definitely roast me alive, skin my scalp or leniently advise readers to ignore me because I might have written all these hallucinations after smoking too much of the Zambian devil weed or Chamba, and drinking too much of the local illicit brew called Kachaso in Zambia, Akpeteshie in Ghana, Ogogoro in Naija or Nigeria, among others. Hmmmmmm! Some cousin!
Perhaps, I am what big sister Ama Ata Aidoo calls Killjoy! Cousin Kwesi Mintah suddenly disappeared from Ghanaweb radar screen into thin air, and I miss him sorely and dearly. I think I will give an arm and a leg to know his whereabouts. I throwaway big salute oooo! Make you una kuku for enjoy your newyear oooooo. Odaaabo oooo. Ekaaabooooo. Ekp3l3333 ooooooooo. Gbwadu oti poh ju! Eku gbwaaa du. Afrenhyia pa oooooo! Otun du ola. Adze pa nkye h3n. Y3wo shima!
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