No29: Gerald Asamoah, Germany

Appearance: Bizarro Oliver Kahn.

What do you mean? You're obviously not into Superman or Seinfeld. It means he's the exact opposite of the German goalkeeper: Oliver saves, Gerald scores; Oliver's all teutonic and Arian, Gerald's black.

Black? Shurely shome mishtake! I thought all German footballers worth their salt were blond with blue eyes. You mean like Christian Ziege, Dietmar Hamann, Michael Ballack and Oliver Bierhoff?

You know what I mean Of course I do. That's why so much has been made of the fact that the boy Asamoah isn't your stereotypical German footballer. The Ghana-born FC Schalke 04 striker became the first black player to win a cap for the unified Germany when he lined out in a friendly against Slovakia just over a year ago.

So how did he celebrate this momentous occasion? He scored a superb goal with his left peg and, upon being substituted by Rudi Voller, received a standing ovation from the 20,000 supporters assembled in Bremen's Weserstadion. He promptly embarked on a lap of honour.

He was over the moon then? Put it this way, the nursery rhyme cow had nothing on young Gerald.

He did milk it a bit, though. The cow?

No, the applause There's nothing wrong with accepting a bit of well-earned gracious praise.

Why couldn't he just accept a tracksuit top, a bottle of water and a slap on the back like everyone else? He obviously fancies himself as the German Martin Luther King No he doesn't. Asamoah insists he doesn't want to appear as a "black saviour" but he is keen to change attitudes in Germany "just so that a few idiots realise that a black person can do something good for Germany."

Nice. He's obviously got a big, big heart He's certainly got a dodgy heart.

Really? The 23-year-old has been told to stop playing football by doctors who are concerned he might suffer cardiac arrest. He collapsed after a second division game in November 1998 and was diagnosed with a dangerous heart condition, much like that of Arsenal's Nwanko Kanu.

And yet he still plays Yes, but at his own risk. Team doctors keep emergency equipment on the sidelines just in case he keels over for no apparent reason in the middle of a match.

Like Oliver Neuville does in opposition penalty areas? Exactly.

But enough about his hue and ticker, can he play? He certainly can. He's fast, strong and notoriously good with the ball at his feet. A bizarro Emile Heskey, if you will.

Do say: What a fine example of racial integration it is to see a black footballer playing for the German international football team, even if he could die at any second.

Don't say: Boo!

Appearance: Bizarro Oliver Kahn.

What do you mean? You're obviously not into Superman or Seinfeld. It means he's the exact opposite of the German goalkeeper: Oliver saves, Gerald scores; Oliver's all teutonic and Arian, Gerald's black.

Black? Shurely shome mishtake! I thought all German footballers worth their salt were blond with blue eyes. You mean like Christian Ziege, Dietmar Hamann, Michael Ballack and Oliver Bierhoff?

You know what I mean Of course I do. That's why so much has been made of the fact that the boy Asamoah isn't your stereotypical German footballer. The Ghana-born FC Schalke 04 striker became the first black player to win a cap for the unified Germany when he lined out in a friendly against Slovakia just over a year ago.

So how did he celebrate this momentous occasion? He scored a superb goal with his left peg and, upon being substituted by Rudi Voller, received a standing ovation from the 20,000 supporters assembled in Bremen's Weserstadion. He promptly embarked on a lap of honour.

He was over the moon then? Put it this way, the nursery rhyme cow had nothing on young Gerald.

He did milk it a bit, though. The cow?

No, the applause There's nothing wrong with accepting a bit of well-earned gracious praise.

Why couldn't he just accept a tracksuit top, a bottle of water and a slap on the back like everyone else? He obviously fancies himself as the German Martin Luther King No he doesn't. Asamoah insists he doesn't want to appear as a "black saviour" but he is keen to change attitudes in Germany "just so that a few idiots realise that a black person can do something good for Germany."

Nice. He's obviously got a big, big heart He's certainly got a dodgy heart.

Really? The 23-year-old has been told to stop playing football by doctors who are concerned he might suffer cardiac arrest. He collapsed after a second division game in November 1998 and was diagnosed with a dangerous heart condition, much like that of Arsenal's Nwanko Kanu.

And yet he still plays Yes, but at his own risk. Team doctors keep emergency equipment on the sidelines just in case he keels over for no apparent reason in the middle of a match.

Like Oliver Neuville does in opposition penalty areas? Exactly.

But enough about his hue and ticker, can he play? He certainly can. He's fast, strong and notoriously good with the ball at his feet. A bizarro Emile Heskey, if you will.

Do say: What a fine example of racial integration it is to see a black footballer playing for the German international football team, even if he could die at any second.

Don't say: Boo!