Antidote to Unceremonious Marriage Breakups Abroad

By Emmanuel Sarpong Owusu-Ansah (Black Power)

In my three-part article, ‘Flown in Partners of Immigrants Stand Accused’ published on the diasporian section of Ghanaweb, a number of factors responsible for the breakup of African marriages shortly after the couples are reunited or united in western countries were identified and discussed. Among them are: men being bossy and supressing the freedom of their partners; women’s unwillingness to make financial contribution towards the upkeep of the household; flown in partners making too many friends and taking bad advice from them; laws of some western countries favouring women; sheer greed especially on the part of the women; unfaithfulness; the unexpected poor living condition of host partners; negative family influence and superstitious beliefs; lovers not getting the opportunity to know each other well before getting married or engaged; and falling in love with the wrong people. The rationale was to raise awareness of these potentially life-threatening happenings and to educate the general public, especially those making preparations to join their partners abroad.

The last of the three-part article series provided some recommendations and advice to African immigrants in western countries who have flown in their partners, or intend to bring them over. The idea was to help curtail the high rate of marriage breakups in the West and the resulting horrors. In response to the request of some of Ghanaweb’s numerous readers who have been in touch with me, I have decided to have the recommendations and advice republished.

Flown in partners should not be treated as slaves: It is about time Africans in diaspora particularly men, realized that sponsoring their partners in Africa to join them does not give them the right to treat the partners as maids or slaves. Marriage in fact entails the exercise of a restrained (controlled) freedom; however, imposing ludicrous set of rules on partners such as, the time to arrive home from work, where to or where not to go, not communicating with any other man or woman, etc., may never produce the “friendship” and harmony necessary for a successful and long-lasting marriage or relationship. Why in the first place would a man marry a woman he does not trust? This is not to discredit the fact that some women just like men, could easily cheat on their partners if not well “monitored” or well-handled. But this does not mean forcing them to obey ridiculous rules as if they are prisoners of war. In fact all the evidence shows that supressing the freedom of a female partner does not necessarily prevent her from cheating on you if she seriously intends to do so.

Men should again realize that in this contemporary era, domestic activities like tidying up, cooking, babysitting, etc. are not the responsibilities of only the woman. Men are also expected to play a very important part in keeping the house in order. Partners should be respected, cherished, cared for, pampered and be made to enjoy a reasonable level of freedom.

The need to call a spade a spade: Some people for whatever reasons fail to tell the story as it is in industrialized countries to their partners at home. They describe the West as a cosy, blissful and trouble free world, compelling them to erroneously perceive the western world as a Paradise on earth. Then when they come and they are not getting jobs hard as they try, and their host partners’ earnings are not enough to provide the comfort that they dreamt of prior to their arrival, the helter-skelter commences. The need for a plan ‘B’ thus becomes almost inevitable; unfortunately, most plan ‘Bs’ tend to be far from healthy.

A Ghanaian lady mentioned how a UK based man she met in Ghana a couple of years ago bragged that he was a British citizen and that he was working for a top company and earning good money. They entered into a relationship before the guy returned to the UK. A year or two later, the lady fortunately or unfortunately obtained a visa to study in the UK. Her intension was to get married to this guy, but that dream sank into oblivion when she discovered two months after living with him that he did not even have legal status let alone British passport; and that he was using someone else’s document for a warehouse job. Was there any need for this man to lie about his job and immigration status to the lady? It is understood that some immigrants deliberately fail to tell the true story, probably for fear of losing the “reputation” that is normally accorded Africans living in the western world.

The advice to those arranging for their partners to join them in the industrialized world, is to make it a point to first explain the situation as it is to them, so they have a reasonable idea of what to expect. They should also be made aware of what they will be required to do to support their partners when they arrive. Arranging for an honourable man of God or an elderly family friend who has lived in the West for a respectable length of time to give them (the partners to be flown in) words of advice is also recommended. This may not necessarily make the marriage or relationship work, but it will surely make some positive impact.

Again, the traditional African notion that it is the responsibility of only the man to handle all household expenses, even when it is clear that the woman’s job or income is much better than the man, should be completely discarded. Partners or couples should support each other financially. Many parents and siblings at home in Africa do not have the slightest idea of how tough life is in the western world. It will thus be a huge mistake on the part of the women to succumb to the pressure parents and siblings put on them to send money to be used for various projects, when they know full well that their husbands’ or partners’ earnings alone cannot take care of the household expenses. It is good to embark on some important personal projects in Africa, but that should be done appropriately. ‘Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to Him.’

Make your partner your number one friend: It is good to make a couple of friends, but married persons’ best friends should be their partners. Many people have lost and continue to lose their hardworking and caring partners to the very people who advised and influenced them to throw the partners overboard. Some people may look like the innocent flower but they are the serpent under it, as Shakespeare rightly notes; so beware! It is never advisable to make too many friends and spend morning, day and night with them when your partner is alone in the house worried about your safety. If you feel like cooling yourself down with a glass of wine, do you always have to do that in a friend’s house? What prevents you from bringing a bottle of wine home from the shops and enjoying your glass of wine as you chat with your sweetheart? Being close to partners and making them NUMERO UNO friends is a very effective way of staying faithful to them and overcoming infidelity.

Run away from that “handsome” young man or “beautiful” young lady who is promising to marry you and compelling you to dump your partner; they are only engineering your downfall. Pay little or no attention to the ex-lover or former school mate you bumped into the other day at the shopping mall. Do not believe their seemingly angelic and sweet words; they are the initiators of your predicaments. Stop giving romantic comments on every new photo that friends of the opposite sex upload on Facebook, knowing that your partner is also on your Facebook friends’ list. Be prudent and behave like a married person.

It is an established fact that the laws of some western countries such as the UK, Germany, and Holland favour women; but that should not be considered as an opportunity for African women to get their partners thrown out of the house they share and take custody of it following a little argument. How would a woman feel if she finds her evicted partner making his vehicle his home, or sleeping on public buses, trains, streets, and in phone booths or lifts? Partners should learn to solve petty squabbles in their own way instead of inviting Cops. Man is traditionally the head of the house and will always remain so. The earlier this gospel is grasped the better.

Are your parents or extended family accusing your wife or partner who just joined you of being a witch, and attributing your inability to get a job or to save money to her spells? Heed not to their baseless allegation. The article ‘My Heart Bleeds for Lynched Suspected Witches’ is recommended for your meditation.

Get to know more about your paramours before getting married or engaged to them. Do not marry an internet lover tomorrow and fly them over to join you in the western world the following week. Do not waste your time on that lady who never heeded to your numerous marriage or engagement proposals until she realized that you are in the western world….

A word to the wise is enough.

GOD BLESS AFRICA

Emmanuel Sarpong Owusu-Ansah (aka Black Power) is a lecturer and an investigative journalist in London, UK. He is the author of ‘Fourth Phase of Enslavement: unveiling the plight of African immigrants in the West’. He may be contacted via email (andypower2002@yahoo.it).