Marriage, Money, and Divorce in the Diaspora

It is easy for all of us to underestimate the cultural shock that awaits an immigrant from Ghana (in fact from Africa and other third world countries) into the United States and other Western countries. There are shocks in many areas, some 'positive' and others 'negative'.

Some of the negative shocks are: (1) the racism that many of us face in our schools and in the workplace, (2) the fact that a disproportionate number of the criminals shown on TV are black, (3) the fact that a black person is not expected to do well in school or in life, (4) the fact that money does not grow on trees but that one has to work very hard for every dollar or pound, (5) the sheer number of bills to pay each month, etc. etc. The positive shocks include but are not limited to: (1) the abundance of material things including food, meat, clothing, (2) the cleanliness and orderliness of the society, (3) the ease with which students attain books to study, (4) the respect accorded people regardless of their socio-economic status, (5) the access and opportunities given to girls and women and the availability of high paying jobs for females etc. etc.

The negative factors contribute to stress in the lives of many Ghanaian immigrants. That is not surprising. What is unfortunate is that some of the positive factors have also had negative impacts on many Ghanaian immigrants. Many Ghanaian immigrants see Ghana as a very exciting place to live. For most, one of the most important reasons for continuing to live here in the US or Europe is the access to well paying jobs. In short, it is because of the money. This piece does not intend to argue or present the various reasons why Ghanaians continue to live here in the US. If that questioned were put to many Ghanaians, some will say it is because they want their children to have access to high quality education, others will say it is because it is very convenient to live here as residents here have easy access to many of life?s necessities, and still others will cite high quality health care, law and order, peace of mind etc. Whatever the reason, it is still a fact that, on average, many people earn much higher income here than they would in Ghana. Ghana?s per capita income is very low so it is not surprising that most Ghanaian immigrants come from poor families. Relatives back home have very high expectations for these immigrants. It doesn?t matter that many of these may not even have their papers ? the relatives don?t know this. All they know is that there is money in the US, UK, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, Canada etc. In some cases, the relatives in Ghana would not wait for even one month before asking for the first remittance. Then the immigrants themselves, sometimes aided by pressure from home, expect to put up houses in Ghana in a relatively short period of time. The demands come to both females and males. If these demands and desires are not managed well, they can easily lead to strain in marriages and, in fact, they have led to many divorces in the diaspora. This is a very serious problem and I wish to provoke discussion on that. I also present below some possible solutions to this problem. I will use a case scenario to discuss this issue.

Kofi holds a bachelor?s degree in Economics from the University of Ghana and is doing relatively well in Ghana. Kofi marries Amma, an SSS graduate and unemployed. All the family expenses are paid for by Kofi and the couple agrees that Amma should stay home and take care of their children, maintain the home, and cook for the family. Amma?s job could pass for a full time job or even more but she understands that Kofi brings in all the money and respects her husband for this. Kofi loves Amma for being his wife and for the great roles she is playing in the family. Kofi and Amma win the US diversity visa lottery and immigrate to Chicago with their children. Kofi is fortunate in that with his economics degree, he easily finds a job in a local Chicago grocery store as an Assistant Store Manager on a $45,000 per year salary. In Chicago, the couple learns that Amma can study to become a Registered Nurse and, with the full support of Kofi, Amma enrolls in the local community college and comes out two years later with an Associate degree in Nursing and also an RN license. Soon, the couple?s household income improves to $120,000 with Kofi now bringing in $50,000 and Amma earning $70,000. This couple should be very happy now and actually hold a family thanksgiving prayer meeting. Instead, six months later, there is turmoil in the family. Why? Is it because the woman now makes more than the man? Maybe, maybe not. This may seem unrealistic to many readers but many marriages in the diaspora have gone to the rocks and a lot of them have story lines similar to the one narrated above. Handling a situation like this is not as easy as one may think. Human emotions are in play here. Some of the possible reasons for tension in the marriage, and proposed solutions, are:

(a) Amma?s attitude changes (at least Kofi perceives it so). She goes to work and comes home tired. Kofi comes home and there is no food so he asks Amma what is there to eat and Amma responds that she just came home too and maybe they should order pizza. In fact, Amma suggests to Kofi that his work is not as tedious as hers, or that he, Kofi, comes home first so he should do the cooking sometimes. Kofi goes berserk and jumps to the conclusion that Amma does not respect him any longer or Amma is not behaving as a wife anymore because she is now making more money than him. Words fly in the house, sometimes in the presence of the children. If this situation is not managed well, it could lead to serious consequences for the marriage or even to divorce. SOLUTION: The couple should sit down to discuss the implication of Amma?s new profession and how that is going to affect the household, both in increased income and in shared responsibilities. This should be done before she starts work. Amma should also know that because of the tedious nature of her work, she would come home stressed most days. She should be careful how she talks to her husband under this stress. The husband should recognize that Amma is overburdened and works in very stressful environment. When she comes home, the husband should deliberately take interest in how she did at work and offer her encouraging words. If they determine that she is working too many hours, they should decide as a couple to cut down on her hours.

(b) Before Amma started working, the couple had a joint account into which Kofi?s income went. From this account came the money that paid all the family?s expenses and the small remittance that Kofi sent to his mother and Amma?s mother. Now, with the increased income, Amma tells Kofi that her mother needs more money than they had been sending her. Kofi disagrees. Amma goes to the bank and withdraws some money and sends it to her mother anyway. She is angry and says to herself ?how can I make all this money while my mother suffers in Ghana?? Kofi finds out and war ensues in the house. SOLUTION: The couple needs to have an objective assessment of the financial conditions of their respective families and decide how they are going to help. One good compromise solution is for the couple to agree to have three accounts - one joint account for their nuclear family?s expenses, a separate account for Kofi and a separate account for Amma. Then the couple should have a healthy discussion and decide to transfer an agreed upon sum of money each month into each of the two separate accounts. Each of them has complete discretion on how to use the money in his/her separate account. However money in the joint account should be used only for the nuclear family?s needs. In the extreme case where an emergency occurs and one of them needs extra money, negotiations should be held and the necessary help given. Even this proposal will not work unless there is real love between husband and wife and neither of them harbors malice.

The scenario above is just a hypothetical representation of what might prevail in a family. Other scenarios are possible. For example, assume Amma continues to stay at home in the US to take care of their children and Kofi remains the sole bread winner. It would be wrong if Kofi sends money to his family in Ghana but does not send any money to Amma?s family in Ghana (assuming both families are in financial need), just because he makes all the money. There are also instances where either the man or the woman has secretly started to put up a house in Ghana without telling the spouse. The spouse later finds out and, of course, all trust is gone. We should be very careful about the way we are allowing money to rule us. Let us use wisdom, fairness, objectivity, and love in our dealings with our spouses and allow the positives in the diaspora to contribute positively (and not negatively) to our lives here. Too many marriages are being destroyed by greed!