Medical Jokes

The Automated Doctor

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.