Medical Jokes

True Medical Stories

True Medical Stories (??)

A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes
out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes
jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that
there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's
in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to
the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal
fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless
read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when
the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me.
This is only a one-seater!"

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the
doctor "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put
it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what
he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on
his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a
look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about
twenty years . . . when my husband was still alive."

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for
the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the
patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."