Misc Jokes

Quotes from Bumpy Landings

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard and/or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fellas. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."

"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached
our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt
sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back
there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth
and nose before assisting children or adults acting like
children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect
landing, "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight
attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once
the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement, "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here a US Airways."

And from the pilot during his welcome message, "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."