Misc Jokes

Telemarketer Game

Tormenting Telemarketers

Tormenting Telemarketers. A Game You Can Play at Home!
Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new
Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone
rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or
another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has
come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own
phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.

Premise:
Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.
If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what
you are selling.

Counter-Tactic:
Waste as much of their time as you can. For each
minute that you waste means several potential customers that
will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable.
Hanging up only increases the changes for them to make a
sale. Don't let this happen!

Hints:
Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making
minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy
points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't using
your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using
"attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.

Scoring:

Basic Point System:

For each minute spent on the phone - 10 pts.

Getting transferred to someone who makes
more than minimum wage - 15 pts.

For each minute spent on the phone with person making more
than minimum wage - 25 pts

Bonus Points:

Getting them to repeat part of the "script" - 5 pts/each.

Getting answers to stupid questions - 15 pts/each

Changing the subject - 50 pts/each.

Making the salesperson angry - 175 pts.

Making the salesperson hang up - 750 pts.

Call back, get their boss on the phone, and
tell them the salesperson hung up on you - 1500 pts.

Getting their 1-800-number - 10 pts.

Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected - 5000 pts.

Example:

Ring
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning and we're
in your area [...] [start clock->]
Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure...
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]
Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house? [15 bonus
pts!]
Them: Let me transfer you to
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes? [25 pts/min!]
Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
Me: [duh?] It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some
time!...] and is completely safe.
Me: [duh?] Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
Me: [repeat!] But the original offer was for
$39.95, does that include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
Me: [subject change] Well, it is kind of dirty. The
guys were over for the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the
Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that
a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
Me: [subject change] Do you clean furniture, too?
Those guys spilled some beer. Have you smelled old beer on
furniture before? But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe
that they couldn't move the ball in the second
quarter...[...]
Them: [angry???] Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]

Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: click Yes! 750 points!