Misc Jokes

Army Voice Mail

U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm
sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are
otherwise engaged. Please leave a
message with your country, name of organization,
the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we
can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans,
Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug,
marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and
compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return
your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options,
please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea,
press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate
climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low
risk, high altitude bombing runs,
please press 2 for the United States Air Force.
Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours,
or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to
customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can
provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a
really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to
the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile
service is extremely limited and will be provided on a
first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for
the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your
call will be routed to the United States Army Special
Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit
check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent
TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account
at
any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be
classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish
to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put
your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from
civilization, are prepared to work your *** off daily,
risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and
night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original
benefits package, then please stay on the line, Your call
will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army
Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to
contact the United States Army.