Misc Jokes

Deep Thoughts Imitations

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15
were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last,
which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace
to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the
president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course,
then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate
born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
--Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a
big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave
it out. --Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I
told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat
our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth, that
most of us go to Hell and burn eternally, but I didn't want
to upset him. --Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to
myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates
about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder
at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I
live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and
I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that
we have found many more than four basic elements and I show
him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and
strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the
night burping. --Age 15

When I go to Heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age
5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless
it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is
the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As
the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire
and everyone died. --Age 13

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set
aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year,
you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted
number. --Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into
an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone
needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then,
imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more
than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked,
except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my
return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning
when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who
had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he
really needed them, right? -Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and
quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15