Misc Jokes

Food Spoilage Test

Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who
cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student
who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator -- you
will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to
yourself,“Can I eat this or will it kill me?

Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the
crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.

THE GAG TEST ------------ Anything that makes you gag is
spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for
yourself last night).

EGGS ---- When something starts pecking its way out of the
shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS --------------- Milk is spoiled when it
starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts
to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when
it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more
spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when
you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never
purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE ----------- If it makes you violently ill after
you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS ------------- Frozen foods that have become an
integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer
compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by
the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES ---------------- This is NOT a marketing
ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so
that you'll spend more on groceries.Perhaps you'd benefit by
having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT ---- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray
animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your
house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD ----- Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only
officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the
surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white
or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread
has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR ----- Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

LETTUCE ------- Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get
it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't
think you needed guidance with this one)

CANNED GOODS -------------- Any canned goods that have
become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of.
Carefully.

CARROTS ------- A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in
is not fresh.

RAISINS -------- Raisins should not be harder than your
teeth.

POTATOES -------- If it looks like it is ready for
planting, toss it.

CHIP DIP -------- If you can take it out of its container
and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS ----------------- Putting empty containers
back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works
if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: -------------- You know it is well beyond
prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along
with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers
should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: ----------------------- Most food
cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to
gauge this. =======================