Misc Jokes

From Ebonics To Hebonics

Here is something that a friend sent to me today in response
to an Ebonically written letter I sent him recently. His
nationality is a combination of Jewish, French, and Russian.
Enjoy!

He writes,

Dear Fly Boy, Nice to hear from you. Sorry for the delay,
but I'm not crazy about this E-Mail stuff. Anyway, here's
something to help you understand your Jewish brothers.

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a 2nd
language. Backers of the move say the district is the first
in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many
of America's Jews.

Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the
language, and samples of the phrases in standard English and
Jewish English.

SAMPLES OF PRONUNCIATION CHARACTERISTICS

1. Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the
ends of words.

Thus, "hand" becomes "hand.

2. The letter"W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V".
Thus "walking" becomes "valking".

3. "R" sounds are transformed to a gutteral utterance that
is virtually impossible to spell in English. It's "ghraining
alghready".

SAMPLES OF IDIOMATIC CHARACTERISTICS

1. Questions are always answered with questions. Question:
"How do you feel?" Hebonics Response: "How
should I feel?"

2. The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence
after a pronoun has been used at the beginning.

"She dances beautifully, that girl".

3. The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the
front is used for emphasis:

mountains become shmountains; turtle becomes shmurtle.

SAMPLE USAGE COMPARISONS

Standard English phrase followed by it's Hebonic
counterpart.

1. He walks slowly. Like a fly in the ointment he walks.

2. You're so sexy. (Unknown concept)

3. Sorry, I don't know the time. What do I look like, a
clock?

4. I hope things turn out for the best. You should BE so
lucky.

5. Anything can happen. It is never so bad it can't get
worse.

Maybe someone should work on an Ebonics/Hebonics,
translator - avoiding English entirely!

Stay well bro'.