Misc Jokes

Martha Stewart's Christmas Calendar

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to
hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing
Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha
trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows 2000.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday
scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in
confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange
slices, and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.
Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus
making many people feel less inadequate than they really
are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle.
Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock
strikes midnight in that country.