Misc Jokes

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

* I have the power to channel my imagination into
ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the
ones that are someone else's fault.

* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would
have no personality at all.

* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.

* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The
second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find
someone to buy me nice things.

* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into
knots.

* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing
myself with imaginary fears.

* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to
incessant nagging?

* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
problem.

* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute
. . . I'll find someone.

* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for
people I can laugh at.

* The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will
pretend I am not home.

* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it
look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.