Misc Jokes

You know you drink too much coffee when...

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You
speed walk in your sleep. * You have a bumper sticker that
says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." * You answer
the door before people knock. * You haven't blinked since
the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater
and you don't know how to knit. * You grind your coffee
beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You
have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time you're
standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a
picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every
vacation visiting "Maxwell House." * You're the employee of
the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work
there. * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes
this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You
chew on other people's fingernails. * The nurse needs a
scientific calculator to take your pulse. * You're so
jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. * You
can jump-start your car without cables. * Cocaine is a
downer. * All your kids are named "Joe." * You don't need a
hammer to pound in nails. * Your only source of nutrition
comes from "Sweet & Low." * You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy milk by the barrel. * You've worn out the handle
on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the
free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill
before you realize it's not plugged in. * You forget to
unwrap candy bars before eating them. * You've built a
miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. * People get
dizzy just watching you. * When you find a penny, you say,
"Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a
cup." * You've worn the finish off your coffee table. * The
Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Starbucks owns
the mortgage on your house. * Your taste buds are so numb
you could drink your lava lamp. * You're so wired, you pick
up FM radio. * People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans." *
Instant coffee takes too long. * You channel surf faster
without a remote. * When someone says. "How are you?", you
say, "Good to the last drop." * You want to be cremated just
so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. * You
want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. * Your
birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You'd be willing
to spend time in a Turkish prison. * You go to sleep just so
you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You're offended when
people use the word "brew" to mean beer. * You name your
cats "Cream" and "Sugar." * You get drunk just so you can
sober up. * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a
lesson. * Your Thermos is on wheels. * Your lips are
permanently stuck in the sipping position. * You have a
picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can
outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion
detectors. * You have a conniption over spilled milk. * You
don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * Your
nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think
being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You don't tan, you
roast. * You don't get mad, you get steamed. * Your three
favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass
of iced coffee to get you in the mood. * You can't even
remember your second cup. * You help your dog chase its
tail. * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. * Your
coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. * You introduce
your spouse as your "Coffeemate." * You think CPR stands for
"Coffee Provides Resuscitation." * Your first-aid kit
contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.