Relationship Jokes

Why I'm Not Married

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365
times. Ihave succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once
every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not
succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49
times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you
pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times
you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were
too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times
you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late
show 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do 3 times
you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your
mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times
you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you
told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to
wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I
had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the
reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36
times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you
got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps
in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2
times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a
cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in
your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about
it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football,
baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was
because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't
talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you
felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.