Relationship Jokes

Relationship Contract

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal,
agree that:

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm
after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away
for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with
emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me
saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all
about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed
with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in
any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your
toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that
- by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to
woman - it will
be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a
girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung
than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would
jealous of your
genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and
longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends.
A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as
"making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours
till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly
get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute"
nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any
novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do
all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive
female friends and inform you if any of them have the
slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around
for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours
a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you,
even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell
to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and
the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat
similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my
body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any
of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever
met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me,
I will
solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other
men."

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars,
computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the
comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if
I
attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything
*mechanical*.

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household
items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator,
garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and
toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship
contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)