Sports Jokes

Christ Returns to the NBA

NOTE: If you are easily offended by jokes related to Jesus,
PLEASE do not read the joke below.

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After a two-year hiatus from
basketball, Jesus Christ returned to the NBA last night,
playing with his
former team, the Atlanta Hawks. Christ, who quit the sport
in May 1994 to focus on spreading His message of universal
love and compassion, made His triumphant return last night
against the Bulls, just in time for Easter Sunday. The return
of Christ, who averaged 18.2 points and 7.3 assists per game
during his 10-year NBA career, has excited success-hungry
Hawks fans, who are calling Him the team's "Savior."

Said Atlanta resident and devout Christian Jeff Voorhees,
"Jesus is Lord."

Christ's decision to return to the
Hawks surprised insiders, considering for years the Nazareth
native had been
crucified by the Atlanta press. Ever since He was drafted
third overall out of Texas A&M in 1986, Christ has been
labeled "too passive and forgiving" to ever lead the Hawks to
the promised land. Christ, however, has decided to turn the
other cheek.

"I forgive Atlanta Journal-Constitution sportswriter Stan
Sheridan," Christ said. "He knows not what he writes."

The closest Christ came to signing
with another team came in December, when He spent 40 days
and 40 nights in
the desert with Detroit Pistons coach Doug Collins. After
consulting His father, God, Christ decided to turn down the
Pistons' offer of 30 gold pieces.

"Get thee behind me, Coach Collins,"
Christ reportedly said.

Though some say the media led Christ
to quit basketball, many contend He quit after being
betrayed by teammate
Kevin Willis during a 1994 Celtics-Hawks playoff game. With
three seconds left and the Hawks trailing by one, Christ was
wide open underneath the basket for an easy lay-up. Instead
of passing to Christ, Willis took a wild shot from
three-point range, missing the net completely. After the
game, a visibly upset Christ stretched out His arms and said,
"Kevin Willis, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Despite the controversies, Hawks teammates and personnel are
excited
to have Christ back.

Forward Stacey Augmon, just one of the many Hawks players
who claims to have a personal relationship with Christ, said,
"He's taught me so much, like how to love your enemies as
yourself, to pray for those who hurt you, and when to pass up
the three in favor of a higher percentage shot."

Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ's "Ascension
Dunk," a crowd favorite. In the patented dunk, Christ leaps
His less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, then
miraculously ascends toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just
long enough to stuff the ball. An accompanying angelic choir
momentarily stuns His defenders as the ball comes crashing
down on their heads. The move wowed audiences at
NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions for two years in a
row.

A three-time NBA All-Star, Christ impressed team doctors
during a brief, closed-door workout Friday, in which He
displayed His still-sharp shooting skills, dribbling ability
and overwhelming love for all mankind.

Team doctors also noted that in contrast to most players who
take
layoffs, Christ's body fat is just 3 percent, even lower
than when He was
playing. Christ attributed the low figure to His recent
food-free, 2,000-year out-of-body reign in His Father's
Kingdom.

Meanwhile, the league made a special ruling regarding
Christ's crown of thorns, deciding that He may wear the
headpiece only so long as He does not "unwittingly anoint a
player with the forgiving power of His Holy Blood."

Though Hawks fans seem certain Christ can help the team,
some NBA experts question whether Jesus is the Answer.

"The healing power of His Holy Love may get the Hawks into
the playoffs, but they can't ride it alone to the
championship," NBA commentator Hubie Brown said. "What they
really need is a solid power forward who can fill the lane,
someone like Cliff Robinson."

Some analysts think that Christ's injuries, along with His
added age,
may slow Him down.

"Christ isn't going to be 32 forever, and, quite frankly, He
hasn't been the same since the Romans drove holes into His
hands and feet," NBA analyst and former coach Chuck Daly
said. "A painful
stigmata injury is difficult to overcome, and it may affect
His shooting
touch. Still, I'm pretty confident He can rise again."