Sports Jokes

The Gift

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in
great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high
school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.
I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who
said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic
clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how
enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up,
but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just
standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten
points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door,
but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this
heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she puts weights on it,
for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it a full mile. Her smile made it all
worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer.
I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient
with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club
members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair
monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?
Tanya told
me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't
imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a
full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late. It
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to
life dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must
be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever
hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any
part of my
body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She
thought it would
be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for
you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept
responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school.
YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science
teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine,
wondering where I
am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched
eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.
Maybe next
time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like
a gift certificate for a root canal.