Business Jokes

Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual
federal employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but
more of a definite won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to
change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts,
the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold
it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

14. "He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier."

15. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

16. "He's been working with glue too much."

17. "He would argue with a signpost."

18. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

19. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

20. "When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell."

21. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one."

22. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued
on."

23. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

24. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using
it."

25. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."

26. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week."

28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean."

30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other
sperm."

31. "One neuron short of a synapse."

32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."

33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

34. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."