Computer Jokes

New Computer Viruses

BEWARE OF NEW VIRUS OUTBREAKS!!

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks
to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great
service you are getting.

MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if
by LAN, twice if by c:>

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microrganism."

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system,
just before the whole dang thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any
child process without joining into a binary network.

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot
of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into
hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part
of your computer.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a
3.5 percent margin of error).

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other
file.

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your
Apple.

Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in
Singapore.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few
minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then
self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and
service stations across rural America.

Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.

Nike virus: Just does it.

Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new
cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish
anything.

Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on
boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and
spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no
virus has gone before.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds
nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my
docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up
all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then
blames it on the Congressional virus.

L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other
files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a
million dollars, its programmer will take it back.