Computer Jokes

Calling Technical Support

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Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our
technicians are currently busy helping people who are even
less competent than you, so please hold for the next
available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit
product identification number on to your telephone, followed
by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret
compartment inside your computer where, for security
purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to
prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11
3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your
original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend
that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at
some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM
disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in
order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely
event that he ever gets to your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful
customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,
please call the company that sent you the computer and ask
them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,
fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they
recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while
you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing
while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected
and blackballed from further communication with Technical
Support, not only from ours but that of every other
electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we
all talk you know)...

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order
to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to
know more about you and your equipment. Have you called
Technical Support before? If you have, please press the
numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.

If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using
the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am
confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make
arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the
technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will
be too senile to use it anyway. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all
of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that
to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may
now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to
the technician about your problem and risking the possibility
that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask
yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is
dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before
utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.
Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I
consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on
the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek
cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing
for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central
processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked
technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really
be so bored that you have to call technical support just to
have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be
aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number
of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as
the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access
erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you
would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!
Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to
lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may
jump you ahead of several other callers. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been
overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in
line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected
again to technical Support

1

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic
sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die
from a massive frustration attack combined with severe
dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,
please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in
its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down
its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of
Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from
our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve
your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or
beneficiaries contact us should any further technical
problems arise.