Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer One-Liners

What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their
personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a
lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does
the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for
what is essentially the same service. What do you have
when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? *
Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead
skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the
road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What
is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A
Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one
side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up
everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in
common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human
being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled
their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on
them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit
on. Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven
broke. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a
pit bull? * Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers
skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet. What do you get
when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? *
Chelsea Clinton If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why
should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your
bicycle. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer
and an old drunk are walking down the street together when
they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets
it? * The old drunk, of course; the other three are
mythical creatures. It was so cold last winter ... (How
cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in
his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and
inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three
questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?"
asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was
your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a
tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two
bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer.
Twice.