Male Jokes

Christmas Shopping (For Men)

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is
for women. Follow these rules and you should have no
problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if
he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has
yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many
cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him
anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love
saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your
ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch
socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything
for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something
to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their
cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And
never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted
men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey
shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the
ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your
man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If
you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men
drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless
drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels
absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door.
Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he
will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron
Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center,
and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance
Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if
he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be
something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but
they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a
100-pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who
wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game
are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to
"A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows
why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you
love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to
Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step
ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our
cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love
like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.