Misc Jokes

George Carlin Quotes

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin
Quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
#2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?