Misc Jokes

The Wit and the Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

*"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys,
and kids with fake IDs."

*"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

*"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of
your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

*"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things
is important to learn. It's what separates us from the
animals! Except the weasel."

*"If you really want something in life you have to work for
it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery
numbers."

*"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
problems!"

*"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around
a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed,
it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That
Couldn't Slow Down.'"

*"I want to share something with you - the three sentences
that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like
that when I got here.'"

*"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as
Yoda."

*"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my
specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population:
you.'"

*"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

*"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it
hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such
as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

*"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You
just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the
American way."

*"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from
that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain
whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you
think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun?
Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

*"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

*"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without
adding, 'you're making a scene.'"