Misc Jokes

Groucho Marx Quotes

Q: How do you feel about women's rights?
A: I like either side of them.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it,
mis-diagnosing it and then mis-applying the wrong remedies.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends . . . may they never
meet!

We in the industry know that behind every successful
screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my
resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will
accept me as a member."

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make
an exception.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the
breeze from here!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns
on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have
others.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order
to be unhappy.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest . . .
ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing . . . if you
can fake that, you've got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to
music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic
surgeon.

Time wounds all heels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever
done for me?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme
poverty.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints.
They're upstairs in my socks.

Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which
is probably more than she ever did.

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ??
He used to live in whales for a while.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep
his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to
announce that I was born at a very early age.

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy ... and I bet he
was glad to get rid of it.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff.
If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you
can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got
in my pajamas I'll never know.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't
developed . . . But we're going back next week.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I
was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch
a child of five.

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a
dog it's to dark to read.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of
the party.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians,
and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

"Call me a cab!"
Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second
thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said
"I was just whispering in her mouth."

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she
reminds me more of you than you do!

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a
virgin.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . .
retire!

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.