Misc Jokes

1998 Darwin Awards

It's that time again...

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the
remains of) those individuals, who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool.

1998 DARWIN NOMINEES:

1) Los Angeles, CA - Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided
to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the
aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker
which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of
dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from
inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the
hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the
window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani.Deciding Mr. Saduki
need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby
hospital.While walking towards their car, Ian was stung three
times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother,
Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation
enroute to the hospital.

2) Moree, New South Wales, Australia - A driver, who crashed
into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train and was dragged in
his car more than a kilometer before being slammed into a
pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked
for help.

The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion,
64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree on
Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side
of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing.
(I guess that would be harder to miss than the side of a
barn!) The vehicle became wedged between the second last and
last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as
the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said.
After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they
approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the
spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice,
the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and
spun several times. When it came to rest,the pair managed to
free themselves from the wreck (I wonder if it was aVolvo?)
with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway
line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his
death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to
raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with
chest injuries.

3) Minneapolis, MN - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in
April with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved
cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick
suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic
pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's
head and fired.

4) Phillipsburg, NJ - An unidentified 29 year old male
choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed
from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't
think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as
"Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

5) Winsor, Ontario, Canada - In February, according to
police, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a
head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken
they were playing with their snowmobiles.

6) Renton, WA - On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington
man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first
attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous
record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices
as listed below:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to
carry concealed handguns inpublic places;

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door.

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the
officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a
few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned
fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else
was hurt.

7) Moscow, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague
at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his
bullet-proof vest to see if it would protected him against a
knife attack. It didn't. The 25-year-old guard died of a
heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)