Misc Jokes

HICPHONICS

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to
cash in with the Feds by labeling Black slang, "Ebonics," as
a language, has decided to pursue some of that endless
taxpayer money pipeline through Washington by designating
Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught
in all Southern schools.

A speaker of this would be a Hickophone.

Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage:
"Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is
Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup
truck."

BAMMER - noun. The state just west of Jawjuh. Capital is
Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an'
left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from
Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in
munts."

THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah
thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops,
and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-Two-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I
thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure
hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from
Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things
gonna catch far." BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you
don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that
brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the
creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard
at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from
Lanner, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in
battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm
gonna whup y'all."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We
Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a
wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - Noun and verb
contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh
got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ...haze
ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never
seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I
heavy dew me a favor? Go bah me that Dash Rip Rock tape"

GUBMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them
gubmit boys shore are ignert."