Misc Jokes

New Scientific Theories

Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new
scientific theories."

THE RUNNERS-UP:

4th Runner-Up-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due
to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin
increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the
cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
dangerously fast.

3rd Runner-Up- Communist China is technologically
underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an
alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they
cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.

2nd Runner-Up- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You
yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure
change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear
pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.

1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks
riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an
infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.

HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the
English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are
omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When
a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands
on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with
the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap
buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two
will hover, spinning inches above
the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array"
could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant
buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail
linking New York with Chicago.